Disclaimer: my buster rifle is locked, my saber held steady. Anyone sues me and u'll meet both.

This is dedicated specifically for Kristine. K-chan, I can't believe u influenced me into writing angst...kisama! Well, you better be there when Rose and Pix try to take my head off, tamodachi, because I'm too young to die! : P N'wayz, hope you like it.

For the faint of heart, I hope you have a tissue ready, cuz if I don't depress you, that means I didn't do a good enough job.

The wind keened in a high, mournful dirge that echoed emptily in the unfeeling canyon, then dropped three octaves, like the low whispers of heartrending sobs. Relena stood, silent, unmoving, as the voices murmured around her. Lines of strain had long aged her, creasing around her bleached blue eyes and tight mouth. Her hair, once honey blonde had faded more to a silver-streaked flax...she felt old. She felt so old...and she was only twenty-one.

Calmly, she lifted her face to the breeze's seeking fingers, the cold tendrils of air biting into her hollow cheeks as the wind whipped stinging grains of sand into her skin like a thousand tiny knives, attempting to cut away her humanity from its fragile moorings. Too bad she had so little left to give. Relena allowed a bitter smile to trace her lips as she her eyes stung with sand...and something else. She couldn't do anything anymore...refused to do anything. Five years of her life had been spent behind the podium, her face plastered across ever newspaper, every tabloid in a plethora of rumors and accusations. Five goddamned years of self inflicted pain, self-inflicted torture, and the world didn't give a damn. He didnÌt give a damn...

The Earth has not changed! Although all enemies were defeated, the Earth has not changed one bit! The wind screamed in her ear, sounding for a brief second like Chang Wufei as a soldier of Maramia Kushrenanda, his voice taut with fury and desperation. Finally now, Relena acknowledged the truth in that simple statement. How naïve, how young she had been when she had set the ideals of total pacifism for the EarthSphere...how foolish.

Pacifism? There was no such thing...every man wanted something for himself. Every man hungered for his own gain, his own need for advancement. They looked to her, not as a dove of peace, but as a means, a tool to get what they wanted. They lied through their teeth, praising her beauty, her leadership, but behind her back, they schemed for ways to topple her from her glass pedestal...but such was the way of politics: war within words, circles within circles...and she was so sick of it.

"Ma'am." Her aide whispered tentatively behind her, and Relena smoothed her features into concern and reassurance as she turned towards the young intern. But the smile felt dry on her lips, as if the sawdust façade might collapse at any second without her knowledge.

"Yes?"

The aide seemed to warm under her smile, spurious though it was. I wonder why I have that affect on strangers, but to those who know me most...it means nothing. Even genuine laughter to them is as empty and meaningless as the wind that shrieks at me now...

"Miss Dorlain, the Council wishes for you to speak at a seminar today at the Peacecraft Foundation for Higher Learning at..." She checked her clipboard. "...six o' clock." The girl smiled happily. "The students are very enthusiastic about it."

"Six?" Relena's eyes shadowed briefly. "I have a prior engagement with Lady Dorothy and Mr.Winner..."

"But Miss Relena," Her face lit in unconcealed shock as she stared at Relena. "This is a very important seminar. Everyone will be there! I...I'm a student at the school you see," She continued, a little embarrassed and looked up with beseeching dark eyes. "Please Miss Relena? Our school has been waiting a long time for this...we were very excited when we heard that Relena Peacecraft would be speaking for us and since I was your aide..."

Relena closed her eyes, trying to draw some strength from inside her, but there was nothing but emptiness. "I..." her voice faltered and she shook her head before standing up straight, shooting her aide a wane smile. "Yes...all right. Notify the Council that I will be there and...and send the Winners my apologies."

"Yes Ma'am!" The aide snapped off a hasty salute and with a happy smile, raced to the limousine for the car phone, not noticing the lone tear that slid down Relena's cheek as she watched the young woman leave. Even those that didn't mean to, those that didn't mean her any harm...even they kept on clutching at her, their adoration like acid at the back of her throat, as they chained her to them with links of gold.

"They tell me I'm a dove...but don't they know a dove needs to fly?" The wind masked her voice beneath it's howling and she bowed her head against it's furious accusations.  Why am I so weak? Why can't I tell them that I am so tired of this? I still feel like a child, an old child that must bow to the wisdom of her elders, sacrifice everything on their whim...

"Miss Relena! The Council confirms your decision! And the Dorothy Winner's on the line!" Quickly wiping away the incriminating tear, Relena turned and accepted the phone, turning her back to her assistant.

"Dorothy? I'm sorry about this..."

"Miss Relena, there is no need to apologize, we all understand how busy you are." There was a faint note of accusation in Dorothy's tone and the smile faltered, then died on Relena's lips. Suddenly the wind became that much colder.

"Dorothy, I'm trying..."

There was an exasperated sigh on the other side of the phone as Dorothy answered "I understand, Miss Relena. But remember that you have friends that need to know that you are all right as well."

"I...just have so much to do Dorothy...meetings, seminars. I just can't seem to find enough hours in the day." Relena laughed, a tinge of bitterness in her own voice "They just won't let me go."

"Then find a way! Stop acting so weak and stand up to them!" Dorothy snapped, then her tone softened almost imperceptibly. "Miss Relena, when you finally decide to visit us, please call and we will be more than happy to have you. But in the meantime, take care and watch yourself."

"Goodbye Dorothy..." The phone clicked and hummed, a low vibrant tone against her ear, and Relena let her hand drop to her side. I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...

***

*AFTER THE SEMINAR*

"Oh Miss Dorlain, you don't know how inspiring that was!" The younger woman almost bounced on the limousine cushions as she smiled at the taciturn ambassador. "My friends totally loved it. They believe that pacifism is not just an ideal anymore, Miss Relena. We know it is a reality!"

Relena let a small smile touch her lips, but her eyes remained hooded, weary. How foolish of them then..."That's wonderful...Nancy was it?"

"Yes," She agreed, then smiled worshipfully at Relena, "You're my greatest heroine, Miss Dorlain."

Relena laughed, her voice cracked and harsh even to her own ears. "Nancy, I am nothing. No hero, no great person. I am just one woman that is tired of war." But I'm even more tired of this false peace...

"Oh no, Miss Dorlain. You're wonderful." Nancy smiled. "I can tell you believe in what you say. There is a sincerity in your eyes that everyone can see."

How can they see sincerity, when all I feel is emptiness?

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. Now the Council wants you to meet with ambassador Tackum from the L3 colony. After that, you have a board meeting with the Power Incorp. delegation from Western Asia..."

***

Slowly, Relena lowered herself into a sitting position on the edge of her bed, her nails biting into the soft coverlet as if she was desperately trying to hold onto herself as her silver-blonde hair clouded around her. She wanted to weep, but too much crying had already taken a toll on her, leaving dark rings around haunted eyes. Without her makeup, her cheeks were bloodless, her lips thin and strained, almost like a soulless wraith's would be. She put up a hand to her mouth, muffling a sob.

What's happened to me? What am I going to do now? I'm so tired of chains and I don't know what to do...

Then find a way! Dorothy's voice was sharp. Stop being weak and stand up to them!

But...

The war is over...if you want to be free, then you must find it for yourself, a calm voice reasoned in the back of her mind.

I won't find freedom, not as long as I live...as long as I live. Relena tipped her head back slightly, as long as I...as long as I live...

Dumbly, she glanced in the mirror, and a silent ghost stared back at her. This isn't living...this is death in a skin shell...The bed creaked as she slipped over to her large mahogany desk, opening a drawer. A picture of a smiling blond hair, blue-eyed girl stared back at her from behind a fragile glass frame, and she picked it up carefully, hands trembling. She looked so happy, her eyes had not grown bleached by her responsibilities yet, nor had she developed that cynical edge to her words...

Relena shook her head, dropping the photo. It crashed on the auburn carpet, shattering into a thousand glittering tears. That girl didn't exist anymore. She had been killed by Adversity, and Adversity was so often accompanied by Despair. She picked up a single shard of glass, watching the sharp edges glitter as the glaring fluorescent light skittered across it.

And the only way to kill Despair is to cut it out at its source...

Relena shuddered, then stood up, closing the bathroom door quietly behind her.

***

How long did it take someone to die? Relena held her eyes tightly shut as crimson stained the floor beneath her in an ever-growing pool of liquid. Is it supposed to take this long?

She was getting sleepy, warmth rushing through her body in a tidal wave, but the blood kept flowing from lacerated wrists ...The shard of glass had long been enveloped in the red tide, the edges touched with an incriminating sanguine. By this time, the pain had even dimmed to a stinging ache that matched the weight that continued to sit on her chest. Please, please...let it end soon...

Relena clenched her teeth, trying to keep from crying out and alerting any guard that might be on duty. She was afraid, not that she was going to die, but that someone would find her before she did. She couldn't bear it if she got this far and didn't finish it...she wouldn't have the courage to try a second time. Please...For a second, she tried to pray, but the words refused to come to her mind or lips, and she bit back a sob. She was as truly alone in death as she had been in life, and it hurt so much inside...it hurt.

Suddenly the locked door rattled, and she glanced up with fearful eyes. No...It shook harder and Relena squeezed her eyes shut, willing whoever was there to go away, to leave her alone.

"Relena?"

Oh please not him...

"Relena, open the door." She shook her head mutely, huddling in on herself as if by not acknowledging him he would leave. She almost wanted to laugh...or cry. He was here for her death, but he had never been there for her in life. That was the cruelest of ironies.

Please, please...make him go away...I don't want him to see me like this. But in her heart, she knew that it was an impossible hope. There was a muttered curse then a shot as the metal knob came flying off the door, smoking and smelling of burnt iron. Heero shoved the door open, an angry scowl marring his usually impassive face.

"Re-" His eyes widened and he bit back another curse, wordlessly picking her up, blood-soaked gown and all to set her on the bed. Silently, he grabbed the first aid box that was always laying behind her desk, wrapping her wrists tightly in the white bandages, but Relena smiled sadly as her she turned her face away. The pillow felt cool under her too-warm cheek and she shuddered, lifting a hand weakly to stare at the cloth-bound wrist with a sense of unreality. The pristine white had already begun to turn scarlet as the blood stubbornly seeped past several layers of tourniquet.

"You didn't have to Heero." Was that her voice? It sounded so faint, like sandpaper scratching against wood.

"Hn." He didn't answer, picking up the phone to dial a quick number to the Preventer's office. Dimly, she could hear his voice as he spoke in low tones, demanding backup and immediate hospitalization, and smiled, almost in amusement.

"It's too late, Heero. It's already too late for that..." Heero glanced up at her abruptly with sharp eyes before barking one more command, then hung up the phone with a loud click. Silently, he went over to her side, and she marveled, even in her semi-delirium, of the way he walked, almost like a wolf on the prowl, cold and dangerous. "Heero?"

"Why?" It was not a question. Not really, Relena realized as she stared into his hooded eyes.

"I'm tired...tired of false peace and false hopes." There was a small catch in her voice before she added, "It was the only way I could get away. Besides...the world needs new leadership. New voices...I'm hampering that..."

There was a brief silence, before Heero asked lowly, "And because of me?"

She was too tired to pretend tonight, especially tonight. "A little because of you," She agreed, still able to plaster a diplomat's façade. "A little, but not wholly because of you."

A longer silence, then Heero said with brutal honesty. "You know I could never have loved you, Relena."

The words hurt, stinging against her heart like the bullets that he always threatened her with, but she swallowed, nodding sadly. "You're right...not the way I could have wanted." They stared at each other, the clock on the mantelpiece ticking as the blood seeped through her wrists, staining the pale, cream coverlet a deep carmine, and Relena closed her eyes, listening to the sound of her life ticking away as every second passed.

Suddenly, she felt arms about her, pulling her against the headboard, forcing her to sit upright and glanced at him as even that small motion sent shots of agony coursing through her. "Heero?"

"It'll help if you keep your arms and upper body up." He answered unemotionally and Relena laughed in disbelief.

"Do I look like I want to live, Heero?" Heero refused to answer, still half supporting her body. "I'm tired of people taking advantage of me, using me then casting me aside. Even if I resigned...it wouldn't have worked, would it have, Heero?" She was beginning to ramble now, she knew, but couldn't seem to stop. "The Earth doesn't need another Queen, it needs a person that truly believes in pacifism...I don't anymore. Did I ever tell anyone that? I don't...I don't remember..."

"Relena..."

"Heero, could you do me a favor?" Relena looked up at him, her eyes clouding slowly as the strain of living took it's toll, making blue go black with death. "You don't love me...but could you kiss me? Once, just like you did when we were fifteen. Just...pretend for a while..."

Heero hesitated, watching her eyelids droop even as she tipped her face upwards. "Please..."

With gentle fingers, he held her chin and touched his lips to hers, feeling her last breath escape from parted lips, feeling her droop like a rag doll in his blood soaked arms. For a while, he allowed her to pretend to be cherished, pretend to be loved, even as they both knew he could neither for her. She turned her head slightly, and without opening her eyes, smiled, a brilliant smile that had once caused thousands of people to hold her on a pedestal in awe and delight. A smile that had once united the colonies and the EarthSphere in an alliance that would last for generations to come...

Suddenly, the door flew open, Sally Po and Lucrezia Noin bursting into the dimly lit room. Cursing, Sally knelt by Heero, unwrapping the bandages as she tried to access the depth of the wound, her quick commands for various medical instruments supplied by Noin, as she tried desperately to stem the bleeding. Slipping away, Heero sank back into the shadows, eyes hooded as he watched the two women vainly attempt to save their dying friend. He knew it was too late, knew it had been too late ever since he had walked through the bathroom doors. But he still stayed when Zeches hurled through the doors, his blonde hair wild and tears streaming from usually cold eyes. Watched as Dorothy and Quatre came and left, weeping, Dorothy blaming herself for what had happened. He watched everything...but somehow, it couldn't touch him.

***

"A world mourns the passing of a beloved Queen as Foreign Minister Relena Dorlain passed away this morning, despite desperate attempts to save her life. It appears that she committed suicide, although reasons are unclear why. It is suspected that she could not bear under the strain as she has already attempted to resign her position several times in the last year. However, each time, she was barred from doing so by the Council, which needed her leadership under such a fragile peace. Now, however, the Council is under heavy censure from the public and various close acquaintances of Miss Dorlain for causing her death-"

The television abruptly blinked off as a man with Prussian blue eyes pressed the button on the remote control. His face, as always, was unemotional as he stared at the now dark screen, before slipping out a picture he had found on the auburn carpet, amidst broken glass shards. He studied the picture carefully, the happy, carefree smile, the joy in her eyes, the way her smile flashed with unsullied laughter, and shook his head.

He got up, going into the kitchen to fix himself a plate of scrambled eggs and toast, tossing the small photo into the crackling fireplace as he passed, the fire snapping at the paper greedily, turning it into ash. He thought silently of the young girl with the vulnerable blue eyes and windblown hair as she asked for that last kiss. He thought about the way her eyelids fluttered shut, the way her body had gone limp in his arms, but no tear touched his eyes, no pain crossed his expression. After all, he was the perfect soldier, and soldiers had no emotions, did they?

~owari~

Author's note: My first angst...is it angsty enough, K-chan? Please r&r.