Julieybolt@cs.com

Standard disclaimers...well, you know.

FORGOTTEN SOUL
Chapter Nine

Releena couldn't sleep.

It was raining outside; a cold, freezing rain that lashed against the windows and kept her room permenently chilled.  The fire in the hearth did nothing to counter the chill, both in the air and within her soul.  Her eyes were dull with fatigue and lack of sleep, but sleep was impossible, now.  Not when the words of  the boy she loved echoed harshly in her mind.

'I don't love you, Releena.'

'You're nothing but an obstacle.'

'Get in my way again, and I'll kill you.'

She sat before the dying embers, not seeming to care that the fire had gone out and the temperature in the room was dropping rapidly.  Abruptly, her eyes flicked to the well worn stuffed bear sitting on the mantleplace.  She quickly averted her eyes, as tears threatened to well up again, making her vision blur and run together.

No one had ever hurt her like this.  When her father had been killed, she thought that had to be the worst pain in the world.  When the Cinq Kingdom had been destroyed, she felt an agony of loss and helplessness, for the lives she was unable to protect.   But in a single breath, Heero Yuy had ripped her heart from her body and crushed it beneath his cruel hands.  Releena had never felt so betrayed, so violated, and wondered briefly if he had ever loved her in the first place, or if it was just part of one of his infernal missions.

'I feel too much, that's my problem,' she thought,  seeing in her mind all the times people had hurt her.  Not surprisingly, Heero Yuy topped the list.   'Maybe if I just stop caring, like Heero, I won't be hurt anymore.  If I don't feel anything, no one will be able to touch me.'

She sighed, and rubbed a hand across her eyes.  She couldn't be like that.   She was a delegate of peace, not a soldier of war.  She simply could not stop caring for others, it went against everything she believed in.  Maybe Heero could shut away his humanity, but it just wasn't in Releena's nature to distance herself  from people who needed her.

'No.  I won't let Heero turn me into some unfeeling machine.  I can't be like him.  I won't be like him; I'm needed here, and I can't let this situation destroy the chance for peace.'

It was a lonely, sobering thought; that she was needed so much she could not even be allowed to wallow in self pity and grief like any normal teenaged girl whose heart had been broken.

'My life changed the day that I met him.'

'Do you regret it?' her mind whispered, playing back all the images of the Perfect Soldier as she remembered him.  'Do you regret you ever saw that unconcious boy lying on the beach that evening?'

She thought a long time before shaking her head.  'No.  I'll never regret my time with Heero.  He taught me so much; he gave me the strength to do what was needed.  I don't hate him; I could never hate him.'  The tears started in her eyes again, but she forced them back.   'I just wish I could understand him.  I thought I did, but....'  His cold, dagger like eyes came back to haunt her, and she shivered.  'No!  I will not believe that was my Heero.   Heero is cold and detatched, but he isn't downright cruel.'    The memory of Heero's empty face filled her mind and only strengthened her convictions.  ' Something has been wrong with him ever since he came back from the last mission, and I have to find out what it is.  Even if he hates me, I owe him that much.'

A quiet peace settled through her, and she shivered slightly, only now beginning to feel the cold.  A blast of frigid air wafted in from her open balcony, and she smiled as her heart began an uneasy thud.  Even with her back turned and his unsurpassed infiltration skills, she knew he was in the room with her.  His presence was unmistakable.

"Hello, Heero," she greeted softly, rising from her seat, turning to face him.

His cold, vacant eyes reflected the dying firelight as he stared at her without expression, his face unreadable.  Something else caught the light of the embers too, and drew Releena's attention to the gun he held in his hand.   She watched without fear as he brought the weapon up until it was level with her head, staring at her down the cold, black muzzle.  In the shadows of her room, the silence was absolute.

A small, sad smile tugged at the corners of her mouth.  "Deja vu, Heero," she murmured, breaking the silence.  A shadow of a frown crossed Heero's eyes, and she shook her head at him softly.  "Don't you remember?"

In the light of the fire, she could see his face was not as coldly perfect as before.  Sweat lined his brow, and he was shaking with surpressed pain and emotion.  For a brief moment, she saw his jaw tighten with resolve, and closed her eyes.  When the gunshot never came, she opened them again to see Heero shaking his head, his eyes downcast, not looking at her.

"I can't."

She barely heard the choked whisper in the silence between them.  Heero suddenly flipped the gun around so that the handle was facing her, still looking at the floor as he waited for her to take it.  She took it gingerly, and he whirled around but did not walk away.  With his fists clenched at his sides, he stood there with his dark head bowed, gazing at the floor.  Releena could see him trembling.

"End it."  His harsh voice cut through her.  Did he expect her to shoot him in the back?  Releena felt her heart twist at the thought, and carefully stepped closer to him.  

"Heero..."

"I am defeated."  He sounded as if he was forcing the words out, so choked were they with shame and self loathing.  "I failed my mission.  The punishment for failure is death."  His head came up as she stepped closer,   but he didn't turn around.

Releena wanted to touch him, but his body was so taut, like a coiled wire ready to snap, that she didn't dare.  "Heero," she murmured, "look at me, please."

He didn't move at first, but then slowly turned to face her, resignation glimmering in his eyes.  Releena gazed into those dark blue orbs, looking for any trace of the boy she loved, but she couldn't get past the wall of agony written all over his face.  Why was he hurting so much?  She couldn't see any wounds, but the pain in his eyes was unmistakable.

"What are you waiting for?"

Releena almost flinched at his tone.  "I could never hurt you, Heero," she whispered.  Heero's eyes stayed locked on her face as he narrowed his eyes.

"Don't be a fool."  His voice had taken on a harder edge, though Releena could swear he was forcing it.  "We're enemies, Releena.  The New Romefeller sent me to kill you.  If you let me go, I will come back and finish the job."

The New Romefeller.  "Is that who you're working for?" Releena asked.  Heero didn't reply, but the look he gave her spoke more than words.  Finally, 'finally,' things were beginning to made sense, and  Releena was suddenly furious at this new threat to the fragile peace.  But mainly because they had obviously gotten to her Perfect Soldier and turned him against her.  She had to get him back, somehow, before he ended up destroying himself, or both of them.

"Heero, you don't work for the New Romefeller," she began.  "They've tricked you, somehow; screwed around with your mind to turn you against us.  We're your friends; don't you remember?"

Heero looked uncomfortable.  The sheen of pain in his eyes was getting brighter.  "No," he muttered, furrowing his brow.   "My mission....my mission.....is to destroy.....the enemies of the New Romefeller.

"No, it's not!  Think back farther, Heero!  You've got to remember us!"

"No!"  Heero whirled away from her, staggering towards the window he came in.

Releena blocked his way.  "Do you remember how we met, Heero?" she asked desperately, while he glared at her like a trapped animal.  "Do you remember how I found you on that beach, and that you were so afraid of me seeing your face?  Do you remember the day I followed you to that ship, the day you pointed a gun at me for the first time?"

Heero stumbled back, falling to his knees as his hands went to the sides of his head. It made Releena's heart ache to see him like that, to know that she was doing this to him.  But she pressed on, knowing that if she couldn't reach him tonight, she would lose him forever.

"The day you self destructed Wing Zero was one of the worst days of my life," she went on,  biting her lip as she watched him writhe on the floor.  "Do you remember that, Heero?  Remember your gundam, and all the battles you fought with the others?  With Duo and Trowa and Quatre and Wufei.  They were your partners; your comrads in arms.  The five of you fought so hard to establish true peace."

"Releena..."  Heero's voice was almost pleading.  He was on his hands and knees, breathing so hard Releena was frightened he would pass out.  Sweat covered his body, and and tiny veins stood out on his temples.  He looked at her suddenly, and she could see a glimmer of recognition beginning to show through the haze of pain and emptiness.  He looked so vunerable at that moment;  she wanted to throw her arms around him and tell him everything was all right, and how sorry she was for hurting him.  But, he wasn't completely in the clear yet, and Releena wasn't going to lose him when she was so close.  She had to be certain.

"The battle with Zeches, do you remember that, Heero?  Do you recall what you told me in the hanger that night,  just before you went to meet him?"

"That..."  Heero sucked in a ragged breath, gritting his teeth as he struggled with his own private war.  "That I would....always....protect you."

Releena nodded, tears streaming down her face.  "And the battle with Marymei Kushranada?" she whispered.  "On the last day aboard her vessel...what did you say to me?"

Heero closed his eyes.  "That....I don't have to kill....anymore."  He groaned and  hung his head even further.  "I remember."

Releena approached and knelt in front of him.  Heero rocked back on his knees, flinching away from her, and stared at his hands.  He was still shaking a little, but the tremors were gradually leaving him.  He still wouldn't meet her eyes, and Releena watched as his hands suddenly curled into fists.

"Don't you dare go blaming yourself, Heero Yuy," she whispered feircely, knowing that was exactly what the Perfect Soldier was capable of doing.   "This is no one's fault but the men who did this to you.  Do not put the blame on anyone but them."

Heero rose, a bit unsteady, and turned away as Releena reached out for him.   "Leave me alone," he muttered.   "I'm no longer a threat to you or the Preventers.  Tell Noin I'll put in my resignation as soon as I rescue the others."

"Heero Yuy!"  Releena blocked his way again.  "Why are you doing this?  You can't face these people all by yourself."

"Releena, please...."  Heero sounded as if he was desperately clinging to the last shreds of composure.  "Let me go."

"No," the girl whispered, and found the courage to reach out and stroke his cheek, brushing the hair away from his eyes.  "You've been alone long enough, Heero."

That did it.  Heero collapsed into her arms, crushing her to to him as he buried his face in her shoulder.  Releena hugged him tightly, relieved beyond words that she was able to bring him back.  Those few terrible minutes had been torture for her as well as Heero, and she hoped to God that she wouldn't have to put him through anything like that again.

"I never meant what I said," Heero whispered into her hair, his breath warming her skin.  "That day in the office.....I didn't mean it.....any of it...."

"I know, Heero."  Releena rubbed his back as he started to shake again with the memory.  "I knew that wasn't you."

"......I love you, Releena."

"I love you, Heero Yuy, don't you ever doubt it."  Releena closed her eyes and held him even tighter.  "No matter what."

Authors note Whew!  One more chapter to go, I think.  I tried to make this one a little longer, and I think the last one will be longer, as well.  Until then, y'all have been great!  Keep the mail coming so I'm inspired to write the ending.   ( I know, I'm spoiled.  Can't help it, though.  ^_^  )

Ja ne,
Julie B.