Great Expectations
By Lady Scarlet-Une

  "...And of course, the facilities are for your disposal when Miss Darlian has no need for you.  She has generously allowed you free reign throughout her house minus several bedrooms on the uppermost floor."

 "How very kind of her."

 The solicitor continued his trek towards the front door.  Stopping by the coat rack, he donned his hat and coat and gave her one last look.  "I trust you will have no problems fulfilling your duties, Ms. Murphy?" he inquired, a curious undertone to his voice.  Joanna squared her shoulders and stared him straight in the eye.

 "No need to worry at all, Mr. Duncan.  Everything will be just fine."  She gave him what she hoped was a confident smile.

 "Excellent.  I will let myself out.  Ms. Darlian has requested that you appear in her chambers at approximately four thirty.  Feel free to use the time till then to acquaint yourself with the house.  Good day."

 And with that, he opened the door and strode out into the afternoon sun, the door closing behind him with a firm 'click.'  Joanna breathed a sigh of relief and frowned.

 'What a horrible man. Could he be any more disagreeable?'  Shrugging, she turned and began to nervously wander around the grand foyer, stopping occasionally to stare at pictures and touch a pretty vase.  The house had been built thirty years previously in a style reminiscent of the original Peacecraft estate.  The Darlian mansion was a historical site in its own right, not simply because of the nature of its occupant.

Wandering down a few halls and up some staircases, she randomly chose a doorway and coughed as a cloud of dust met her entrance.  She walked inside and stared at the cloth-draped furniture.  Curiosity getting the best of her, she slid up to one oblong white blob and hesitantly lifted one side.  The faded remains of a rose-patterned couch came into view.

 "What a waste," she mumbled to herself as she let the cloth drop.  Turning around, she surveyed the room idly, her eyes coming to rest on a portrait above the fireplace.  The faded picture of a beautiful girl stared back at her.  Joanna walked closer and stared up at the portrait.  The young woman smiled down at her happily.

 "Gorgeous portrait, isn't it?"  

 Joanna whirled around at the sound of the new voice.  Spying the figure in the doorway, she blushed in embarrassment and immediately tried to look as mature as possible.

 "Yes.  Quite beautiful," she stuttered.  The figure smiled and moved to stand beside her.  Her expression turned cool as she viewed the figure in the portrait.

 "The man who painted this was quite famous.  He always had this flair for capturing the true essence of a person.  Or so he said."  She turned around to survey the room before looking back at Joanna.

 "Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I haven't properly introduced myself.  My name is Relena Darlian," she said with a smile.  "I assume you're Joanna?  Your recommendations were impeccable.  I never knew Dorothy could be so enthusiastic."

 "Yes, ma'am."  The woman before her was intimidating, and Joanna shivered slightly before quickly admonishing herself.  This was Relena Darlian, for God's sake! The woman who had helped forge the earth sphere back together.  She was tantamount to a saint in these modern times. 

Realizing that Miss Darlian had been looking at her expectantly for several moments now, Joanna quickly drew her thoughts together and curtsied.  "Joanna Murphy, Miss Darlian.  It's a pleasure to meet you."  Impulsively, she grabbed Relena's hand and shook it vigorously.  She quickly dropped it and winced upon noticing the surprised look on the other woman's face.  'Oh how humiliating.  I'm going to be fired on the first day of my job.'

The look of surprise was quickly erased and replaced with a look of amusement.  "Oh, please, Relena will do.  I've spent too many years being called Miss Darlian.  The informality of a first name will be refreshing, to say the least."  She pivoted gracefully on one heel and strode towards the doorway.  "I'd be quite pleased if you'd have dinner with me, Joanna.  It's been too long since I've had any company."  She paused in the doorway and looked over her shoulder.  "Unless you have other pressing matters?"  Her tone and expression were unassuming, but Joanna knew a summons when she heard one. 

 "No trouble at all, Miss Relena.  I just need to make a phone call first."

 "Excellent.  I'll be down in the dining room."

 Joanna waited till she'd left before she desperately began to search the room for a phone.  Spotting one in the corner, she rushed over and quickly dialed a number.  The phone rang five times before a harried voice answered.

 "Hello?"

 "Jacob," she breathed into the phone.  "Did I catch you at a bad time?"

 "No, of course not, sweetling," he replied in a less aggrieved tone.  "Just going over some documents.  How was your day?"

 "Fine, dear.  About dinner -"

 "Yes, dinner.  Sorry, Joanna, but I'm afraid I have to cancel tonight.  Something came up."

 "That's all right, Jacob.  I was calling to do the same thing.  Miss Darlian has invited me to dinner."

 "Well, isn't that lovely.  Hold on a minute."  Joanna listened as some muffled voices talked incoherently for a few seconds.  "Darling, I have to go now. I'll see you later."

 "Of course, Jacob. I lov-"

 She was cut off by the low hum of the dial tone.  Sighing, Joanna placed the receiver back down.  'Jacob's been so busy lately.  Poor dear.' 

 She turned around and began the long trek to the dining hall.

***

"So Professor Catalonia told me that she was immensely impressed by my senior thesis.  Next thing I knew, she brought up this job and offered to write a recommendation letter.  It was quite kind of her."

"Yes, Dorothy is kind, isn't she?" Relena murmured, not really listening.  Joanna's smile faltered and she tried to hide her unease behind a forkful of salmon.  Relena suddenly looked up, pinning Joanna under her forceful gaze.  "So tell me about yourself, Joanna."

 Joanna swallowed her salmon awkwardly and cleared her throat.  "Well, I'm from Portsmouth."

 "Ah yes.  An excellent city."

 "Have you been there lately, Relena?"

 There was a short awkward silence.  Joanna began to fiddle with her engagement ring nervously.  "No.  I haven't been out much in recent years," Relena replied neutrally.  She took another bite of her dinner.  Joanna stared down at her plate nervously. 

"Please continue, though."

 "Why, yes, of course.  At any rate, I am the youngest of four children, I have a cat, and I am currently engaged."  Joanna tried to not feel mortified over how juvenile that sentence had sounded.  It sounded like she had been reciting for a kindergarten class or something.

 For her part, Relena couldn't help but notice the rapture in the younger girl's voice at the end of her last sentence.  Raising one eyebrow, she looked up and noticed the awed look on Joanna's face."Good, good," she murmured politely as she pushed her green beans around her plate.  Her appetite just hadn't been what it used to be for these past twenty-five years or so.  She smiled wryly at her plate.

 "Have you ever been engaged, Relena?"  The question caught her by surprise.  Her eyes narrowed, but she quickly replaced the defensive expression with her customary polite face as she noticed the lack of malice on her new companion's face.

 "Yes.  Once long ago." 

Her clipped reply killed any remaining inclination towards conversation, and the uncomfortable silence lasted for the rest of the evening.

 Later, after Joanna had bid her flustered goodbyes, Relena sat in her parlor and stared at the fire.  She tried not to think about her younger self.  Instead, she thought of her young political self, the one hell bent on changing the world through her politics.  And damned if she hadn't.

 'But where has it gotten me?'

 She looked about the room, at the chintz and the brocade and the delicate moldings on the ceiling. 

 'Here.'

***

 Joanna dreaded her monthly visits to her mother.  As the youngest of four children, Joanna had the dubious distinction of having to live up to the standards her older sisters had set.  Her childhood had been full of unflattering comparisons to the sisters her mother had deemed more beautiful, intelligent, and poised.

 'Why can't you be more like Margaret? She's a smart one.' 

 'Stand up straight! Your bad posture and messiness will never get you a boyfriend.  Why can't you be more like Gwen?'

 And on and on and on.  One by one, her sisters had gone off to school, established successful careers, and had gone off to marry splendidly.  In the end, she had been left alone to bear the full impact of her mother's gaze and her weary looks of disappointment.

"The weather has been dreadful lately, Mother."

"It seems perfectly fine to me."

"Oh. What did you discuss at your garden club meeting this week?"

"The usual."

"Ah."

They sat side by side, both trying to ignore the general awkward atmosphere that had always existed between them.  Joanna tried to distract herself by staring around the room and looking for new ornaments her mother had bought since her last visit.  Her mother was terribly fond of knick knacks, usually of the porcelain doll variety.  As long as she could remember, her mother had collected something new each week, something she personally considered valuable but were really just tacky to the casual observer.  This cluttered parlor had been her mother's pride and joy, the room she liked to show off to guests.  She'd been fond of taking her daughters here and talking with them for hours on end.

Joanna tried to hide her frown behind her teacup.  She'd never been invited to one of those mother-daughter gatherings.  The only reason they were in this room right now was because the kitchen was being renovated.

  She was startled from her musings by the click of her mother's teacup against the glass table top.

"I'm terribly tired from keeping an eye on the workmen all morning.  I hope you don't mind too much if I cut our meeting short."

"Of course, Mother," she replied, but her mother was already up and heading towards the door.

"Be a dear and wash the tea set before you leave."

Joanna didn't bother replying.  Instead, she listened to her mother's footsteps as she walked up the stairs.

***

 Working for Miss Relena was not as taxing as Joanna had expected.  Frequently, Joanna would arrive at work only to find that Miss Relena had dismissed her for the day and had locked herself in her room.  The older woman never treated her unkindly, and the servants always had kind things to say about her, but there was something just off-putting in her manner.  She had once asked the housekeeper about it, but the woman had merely shrugged her shoulders and claimed it as a regular occurrence.

 "Why do you think she does it?"

 "Everyone needs some time alone," was all little old Beatrice Smith had said before walking away.  

 On those days, she would wander around the house.  The room on the third floor where she'd first met Miss Relena was one of her favorites, mostly because of the portrait on the wall.  Even in still life, the girl seemed to radiate a palpable sense of happiness.  Joanna was fond of standing in front of the painting and speculating about the girl in the picture.  Had she been happy? What had her life been like? 

It was during one of these trips that she found her employer standing in the middle of the room and staring at the painting.  

 Joanna began to back out.

 "Don't bother leaving, Joanna.  I wasn't going to be here long."

 Joanna nodded and walked to stand next to her.  She squinted at the portrait.

 "Do you mind if I open the curtains? It's rather dim in here."

 "No. Don't."  Relena smiled at her, but there was an odd edge to it.  Turning her attention back to the painting, Relena's smile turned into a frown.  "Truth be told, I really don't like this room.  I should probably just have it taken apart or something."  

"May I ask you a question, Relena?"  Relena nodded, not taking her eyes off the portrait.  "Who is the girl in the painting? I've always been impressed by how happy she seems to be.  It's almost infectious, don't you think?"

Joanna immediately knew she had said the wrong thing.  Relena's shoulders tensed up and her hands curled into fists, the knuckles turning white.  Joanna began to panic, instantly berating herself for being so forward. 

   Relena turned abruptly and headed towards the door.  "I'm suddenly quite tired.  Please excuse my rudeness."  She paused in the doorway.  "Oh, and Joanna?"

"Yes?"

"Schedule some movers for next week."  

 "Of course," Joanna replied, but no one heard her except the empty room. 

***

 Joanna, being a romantic soul, believed that Miss Relena was suffering from some long ago heartbreak.  She told Jacob as much one night as they lay in bed watching the news.

 "Well, she was associated with Quatre Winner for awhile, but I think that was pretty much politics," he replied when a commercial finally aired.  "And why are you worrying about it, anyway?" he asked, sounding slightly irritated.  "It doesn't have anything to do with you, so just leave it alone."

 She tried not to feel hurt.  "I was just wondering aloud, that's all."  The news had come back, so Jacob didn't reply.  Joanna decided to turn around and go to sleep before they had another pointless argument.  She hated it when they did, but it seemed to be the only way they talked to each other lately.  In actuality, she preferred it to the alternative, silence.  She always felt uneasy during those times.

 Joanna shivered under the covers.

***

 The end came exactly three days before the movers were due.  Joanna had answered the phone at exactly eight o'clock.  It was she and Jacob's habit to talk on the phone every night regardless.  Usually they talked about their jobs, or gossiped about some couple they knew.  It was an unspoken rule between them to never discuss their relationship during this time.  The fact that Jacob brought it up immediately set off warning bells in her head.

 In the end, the outcome was, in her opinion, deserved.  What did she have that someone like Jacob could want, anyway?  Beauty? Money?  The distinction of being a good lay?  She had never possessed any of these traits.  So of course it was a given that someone like Jacob would come to his senses and leave her behind.

 Rationalization was a cold bed fellow, though.

 "Joanna."

 "Yes," she said, coming out of her reverie.

 "It's not that there's anything wrong with you."

 Of course not.

 She remained silent and wrapped the phone cord around her finger.

 "And I didn't mean to fall in love with her.  It just happened."

 Perfectly understandable.

 She began to wrap the cord around her hand.

 "I did love you, if it helps.  Just not enough."

 She began to fiddle with the hang up button on the phone.  If she pressed it, would the situation just disappear?  Could she just simply hang up, take a shower, go to bed, and wake up in the morning with nothing different?

 "Joanna?"  

 Probably not.

 "Yes, Jacob."

 "Do you understand?"

 No.

 "Yes, I do."

 She stayed on the line as he listed his justifications and apologies, even offering to let her keep the engagement ring, trying to hide what it was really all about.  She hadn't been good enough, that's all.  She, who had devoted herself to him for the last five years, couldn't take him to that happy place like that other woman could.

 She hung up the phone while he was in mid-sentence and unplugged it from the jack.  Then, she made her way through the house towards her bedroom, taking the time to stare at the pictures and decorations on the wall.  Once in her bedroom, she stripped, carefully put away her clothes, showered, and crawled naked into bed.  The fact that he had once been beside her did not register.

 Instead, she fell asleep, her mind wonderfully blank.

***

 Her alarm clock rang at exactly 7:02.

 She began her morning ablutions, taking careful pains to conceal the bags under her eyes.  Once dressed, she walked out the door and began her long drive to the Darlian mansion.  It turned out that Miss Relena had left explicit orders not to be disturbed, so she spent the rest of the day sitting in the parlor and looking out the window.  

 Evening found her sitting on the couch, the phone dutifully plugged in, patiently waiting for Jacob's nightly eight o'clock phone call. Eight came and went, and Joanna remained next to the phone.

 At ten fifteen, she conceded defeat. She stood and went to her bedroom, ignoring the sights along the way. She left a trail of clothes as she made her way to the bathroom and showered. Afterwards, she fell into bed and stared at the ceiling for long hours. The bed felt uncomfortable.

 Realization was a cold bed partner, too.

***

She was scheduled to have tea with her mother the next afternoon.  She never liked going, but she felt it was her duty.  Her other sisters never bothered to visit, but that didn't stop Mother from comparing her unflatteringly anyway.

The visit was going just as Joanna expected.  Her mother was characteristically terse and quiet, while Joanna was too distraught to even attempt making a conversation.  She stared at the porcelain dolls instead, looking into their blank eyes and pale, white faces.

  "How's Jacob doing?"

The tea cup fell out of her fingers and clattered to the floor.

"Joanna! This is your grandmother's tea set! Can't you at least make the effort to not break such important things? I don't know why you can't be graceful like Gwen."

"My relationship with Jacob is over," Joanna whispered as she wiped up the spill with her napkin. 

"What?"

Joanna slowly straightened and placed her sodden napkin on the tea tray.  "The engagement is over, Mother.  Jacob and I broke it off several nights ago."

  Joanna flinched as she waited for the blow to come.  Her mother had never been kind to her, not once in their twenty-three year relationship.  She couldn't help but hope that this time would be the exception.

"Just as I expected."  The lack of anger in her mother's voice made Joanna look at her.  Mother was calmly sipping her tea, an amused expression on her face.  "You never were good at anything.  You couldn't become a doctor like Maria, or a businesswoman like Gwen.  You've never been able to succeed at anything, and you've failed all my expectations every time.  Why should this time be any different?"  She took another sip.  "I'm surprised you were able to get this job.  Heaven's only knows why Relena Darlian would want you as her assistant.  I'm sure she expected better."

***

The movers were not able to make it the next day, so the move was pushed back by another week.  When informed, Relena became agitated, running a hang through her immaculate hair.  Joanna observed this all with amusement, feeling too detached from reality to even muster some mild curiosity.  She didn't take offense when Miss Relena dismissed her curtly, either.  She merely walked to the parlor and spent the rest of the day reading a book.

 It wasn't until three days later that Relena finally noticed something was amiss with her personal assistant.  She really didn't care about girl's personal life one way or the other, but it had begun affecting her work.Joanna was usually upbeat and happy, almost painfully so.  Relena had not welcomed the company of others after her retirement from the spotlight, and Joanna's cheerfulness was directly at odds with the quiet atmosphere she had created around herself.  But she kept her anyway, because she was the best assistant she'd ever had.  Though she hardly talked to the girl, she knew the type, inside and out.  So she approached Joanna with a great degree of certainty. 

 "I'd like to discuss something with you."

 "Yes?"

 "It has come to my attention that you have not been as...buoyant in your demeanor recently.  Frankly, you've struck me as rather sad."  Her patented smile came easily, slipping on like a second skin.  "Is there anything you'd like to talk about?"

 Joanna stared at her for several moments, curiously tempted.  Idly, she took in the stiff formality of the other woman's clothing and demeanor, the severe neatness of her hair, and the almost undecipherable look in her eye.  It was then that Joanna somehow saw through the polished exterior and glimpsed the essential woman.  It was well hidden behind the well-honed mask, but there was a core of cold dispassion in Miss Relena's persona, mixed in with a great degree of bitterness.  She would get no sympathy from this woman because there was none left to give.  It wasalmost as if her renowned compassion was like a light bulb, easily flicked on and off at whim.  A curious thought occurred to her, but she kept it to herself.

 "No, there isn't anything important to talk about, Miss Relena."

 The smile slipped.  "Are you sure?"

 Joanna looked into Miss Relena's eyes once more.  

 "Absolutely."

 The smile disappeared and was replaced with Relena's customary blank look of politeness.  "Very well then, Joanna.  However, I have noticed that your work has been rather sloppy lately, and I would appreciate it if you'd rectify that.  Sloppiness is not allowed."

 Relena turned her chair around towards the window, effectively signaling the end of the conversation.  Joanna murmured a polite goodbye before walking out the door.  As she headed towards the staircase, she couldn't help but wonder why no one else saw the truth behind Relena Darlian.  From all she had ever read and heard, no one had anything to say about her except praise and admiration for her politics and her unassuming lifestyle.  Was it a case of them only wanting to see what they wanted to see?

 'Perhaps I've done the same as well.'

 It would make things much easier to bear knowing that even women like Relena Darlian had suffered in the face of great expectations.

***

 The movers arrived four days later.  They came with large dollies and drop clothes, four burly men in white who dutifully lined up to be inspected by Miss Relena Darlian herself.  Relena sized them up thoroughly and well, though she wondered why she even bothered.  There was nothing really important in that room besides some old furniture and dust collectors, so why was she taking such pains?

 She turned to give Joanna an order, but the odd expression on the younger woman's face caused her to stop.  For a brief second, before her assistant was able to hide her thoughts, an unguarded look of understanding and perhaps even sympathy had been there.  

 Relena's face closed down, her mouth hardening imperceptibly.  She would have no pity.  Not now, not then, not ever.

 "Joanna."

 "Yes ma'am?"

 "Please escort these gentlemen to the room."

 Joanna stayed still for a second before inclining her head.  "Of course, Miss Relena."

 She watched them disappear around the staircase before walking to her office and shutting the door.  She ignored the weak feeling in her stomach as she strode to a side table and poured herself some water.  There was no use in being torn up about it.  It was just a stupid expression on Joanna's face.

 It was just a damn room.

 But it seemed this excuse, like all the others, had faded after twenty-five years.

***

 Joanna opened the doors to the room and ushered the men in.  They smiled at her in passing before quickly spreading out.  She turned to leave, but was called back with a loud yell.

 "Hey, you didn't mention we'd have to pack some stuff, lady."

 She turned around and stared at the objects that had been hiding under the drop cloths.

 "We don't have enough boxes."

 Slowly, she walked to the uncovered vanity table and fingered a perfume bottle.  Hair brushes and makeup lay scattered across the surface in a sort of careless messiness that belied frequent usage.  A beautiful pair of diamond earrings winked at her from a pile of hair pins.

 And in a gold frame, a young girl and five boys stared back at her.

 Joanna picked up the frame and went to stand beneath the portrait over the fireplace.  She stared, the seconds stretching into minutes.  Soon, the movers began to cough and shuffle uncomfortably.  Without bothering to turn around, Joanna dismissed them and only half listened as they made plans to return the following day.

 The sound of the closing door broke the stillness.  Walking back to the vanity, she began to pick up more picture frames, noting the presence of the same faces over and over again.  

 'It was all so obvious, really,' she thought as she picked up another picture.  How foolish she had been to assume that the girl in the picture was some long dead relative or something.  The similarities to Miss Relena were striking.  What bothered Joanna the most, however, was the difference between the two variations she'd been presented with.  How could someone so radiant become so muted and cold?  True the years could change a person, but the cause must have been overwhelming in order to have affected Miss Relena so.  Was it the politics?

Something winked at her from behind a hand mirror.  Reaching out, she carefully picked up a ring, a diamond solitaire reflecting the weak light from the cracks around the curtained windows.  She turned the ring around, and noticed an inscription on the gold band.

 Love me as I love you.

The pieces clicked into place.  

 Joanna looked at the room.  Most of the furniture was still covered and the closed drapes only allowed some light around the edges.  The room was quiet and abandoned, but it spoke anyway.  Decades of bitterness resided here, the product of one woman's broken dream.

Joanna began noticing other things as well, small details she'd overlooked on previous visits.  Commendations hung on the wall, all bearing phrases like "To show our sincere gratitude" and "For your great contributions to society."  On a small table in the corner, a small scrapbook contained old newspaper articles showing a younger Relena shaking hands with distinguished looking gentlemen and cutting ribbons.  There was evidence everywhere, testifying to the pressures that had been heaped upon a fifteen-year-old girl once upon a time.  It had been so obvious.  Why hadn't she seen it earlier?

 Joanna exited the room and began walking towards Relena's study.  As she passed the beautiful rugs and priceless decorations, a new picture began to form in her head.  The building around her was a testament to the will of one woman who had carried the expectations of millions for many years.  The real Relena Darlian had died the moment she'd lost love, and the love that had sustained her had been slowly replaced with the bitterness that was apparent in her eyes.  She had carried on with her cause and the politics, but the real passion was gone.  Instead, the people - everyone - saw what they wanted to see, needed to see, in order to believe that everything was truly fine.  And what was one woman's broken heart in the face of the undying belief of millions?

Joanna's steps faltered halfway down the staircase.  She began to question her motives, wondering why she was thinking about even bothering Relena about this.  It was all in the past, wasn't it? It's not like the two of them had any sort of special relationship.  She just worked for the woman.

She opened her palm and looked down at Relena's old engagement ring.  With trembling fingers, she slid it on the ring finger of her left hand and compared it with the ring Jacob had given her.  Except for the different diamond sizes, they were identical, right down to the Tiffany setting.  Jacob had even had the band engraved with words of love, just like Relena's.  The similarities were overwhelming, and Joanna suddenly knew why she so desperately wanted to talk to Relena.  She wanted to know for her own sake, to find out if Relena's life had gone wrong the way Joanna's had; if she, too, had suffocated under the brunt of someone else's inhuman expectations.  She wanted to know if someone else knew what it felt like to lay in bed at night and yearn.  Most of all, she wanted to know how everything would end, if the pain would end.

 Joanna ran the rest of the way to Relena's study.  She opened the door, and Relena frowned at her from behind her desk.

"I've told you before that I prefer you knock before entering the room.  I don't see why you're here, at any rate.  Aren't you supposed to be directing the movers?"

"The movers left."

"Already?"

"They weren't able to move anything."

"Why, that's absurd! I ­ "

"May I ask you a question, Relena?"

"No you may not," Relena replied, her temper flaring at Joanna's interruption.  "Your behavior has been highly irregular, lately, Joanna, and I'm not pleased with it at all. I think that it's time ­ "

"Fine then.  I'll tell you a story instead."

"Do not interrupt me!"

Joanna forged on, ignoring Relena's anger.  "My mother is a kind woman to almost all people, charitable and giving, kind to animals and such.  Notice, however, that I said 'almost.' The only person she's ever been cruel to is me.  Ever since I was born, she's had these expectations of me that I've never been able to reach despite how hard I try.  It seems like she raises the bar each time I'm almost at it, as if she's purposely wanting me to fail and not be 'perfect' like my other sisters."

  "I don't see what this has to do with the conversation at hand, Joanna."

"For twenty three years, I've felt like a failure, Relena.  I've been constantly trying to live up to her expectations, and I've been belittled every time.  I've gotten nothing back in all that time.  I even lost my fiancé in the bargain."  Joanna paused.

"Are you expecting sympathy from me?" Relena asked crossly when it became apparent that Joanna was expecting her to say something.  

"No, actually.  Instead, I'd like to get back to that question I had hoped to ask you earlier.  You're a living legend, Relena.  You had a brilliant career, a dazzling life, and will forever have a place in the history books.  You've lived up to everyone's expectations.  What have you gotten out of everything, then?"

Relena's anger evaporated. Slowly, she leaned back in her chair and looked at Joanna steadily for several moments.  She smiled faintly, and for the first time, dropped the mask that had been her only companion for twenty-five long years.

"I got a reason to live."  She swiveled her chair abruptly, turning to face the window directly behind her desk.  Standing, she reached up and slowly began to trace on the pane with her fingers.  Her hand trembled as she traced out an old name, invisible to everyone except herself. 

  "Did you love your fiancé, Joanna?"

"Of course."

"But did you truly love him? Would you have followed him to the ends of the earth? Died for him?"

Joanna opened her mouth, but closed it before saying anything.  Had she really loved him like that?

"I thought I loved a man like that, a long time ago.  I was willing to do anything for him.  I had tried so long to get him, and when I finally did" She paused and then took a deep breath.  "People aren't meant to be that happy, I think.  These past years have been my penance for it."  She turned around, the small, sad smile still playing around her lips.  "There are no happy endings, Joanna.  Sometimes the girl gets the boy and they fall in love, but there's always a morning after.  Or a day, or a month, or a year after.  What happened with him and me was a simple case of reality getting in my way.  My job, his job, other obligations kept us away from each other until one day he decided he wanted us to run away from it all; to just disappear into the sunset and start new lives somewhere out there in the world we had worked so hard to keep together for so many years."

"What happened?"

Relena's smile turned bitter.  "Despite what he said, my job made up a large part of his perception of me.  He couldn't really separate the two.  I wasn't really Relena to him.  I was Relena-the-Vice-Foreign-Minister, and that role as peacekeeper to the planet meant that I had to stay here and do my job.  I couldn't leave, Joanna, but I couldn't stay.  If I left, then I couldn't be the person he idolized.  If I stayed, I couldn't be the woman he wanted.  I had so many obligations and so many people depended on me.  And truth be told, I was afraid to leave.  I was afraid plain old Relena Darlian wouldn't be interesting enough for him."

"So what happened?"

 Relena turned around again and stared up at the sky.  "He left.  Back to the stars," she whispered softly, so softly that Joanna had to strain to hear the words.

"So my job was all I had left.  It garnered me the adoration of millions and the respect of all my colleagues.  It got me this."  She waved her hand around, indicating the room and the house at large.  "It kept me alive."

"Was it enough, Relena? Has it been enough?"

Relena closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against the cold window.  She saw him in her mind as he had looked so many years ago, felt his breath brush against her neck, felt the warmth of his chest against her back again.  The memories hadn't faded like she'd hoped they would, and she doubted they ever really would.

'After so many years, it's still you, Heero.  It's always been you.'

"No."

Joanna began to cry.  The tears rolled down her face as she quietly began to sob, mourning not only for herself, but also for all the things Relena had lost.  She cried for the pain her mother had given her, and for Jacob's fallible love.  Most of all, though, she cried for her future.  The pain never really ended after all.  Relena had shown her that.

Relena heard Joanna crying, but she was paralyzed by the memories and couldn't turn around.  Instead, she watched the twilight sky darken.  She fancied she saw a shooting star.

'My name is Relena Darlian.  What's yours?'

She pressed her cheek against the cold glass and closed her eyes.

'Heero.'