Author's Note's:  I don't know what Pagan's last name is.  I don't think they ever mentioned it in the dub (*sigh*, that's the only version I've seemat least it was the unedited version), so I made one up.  For the sake of this story, the pilots and Relena are all about 18 years old, and Milliardo and Noin are 22.  Also, this is a Heero Yuy-Relena Peacecraft fic.  If they disgust you together, I'm warning you now not to continue ahead.  If you just want to read some (marginally) decent writing Onwards!

~*~*~*~*~

Letting Go
Part 1

The smell was beginning to drive her crazy.

It was that too-clean, antiseptic smell so unique to hospitals.  The subtle scent of cleansing alcohol had been invading her senses for the past hour, and it was beginning to drive her crazy.

She continued to pace.  That had been keeping her busy since they had gotten there.  She just couldn't sit still, not when she didn't know anything.  She didn't know how he was, what exactly had happened, if he was even still alive

"Why isn't anyone telling us what's happening!"

A man with long, pale blond hair stood up and placed a hand on her shoulder to keep her from pacing.  "Relena," her brother, Milliardo Peacecraft, said gently.  "Please try to calm down.  Worrying yourself sick isn't going to help anything."

Relena Darlian snapped her head upwards to face her older brother, her normally calm blue eyes ablaze with a mixture of anger and worry.  "How can I calm down?  No one's telling us anything!"  Her outburst was met with a few glares from the various passing members of the hospital staff.  She sighed, and brought her hands up to cover her face.  "I'm sorry, Milliardo, but you have to understand what this is like for me"

A woman with short, dark purple hair that covered one eye walked over to Milliardo's side.  Lucrezia Noin-Peacecraft gave a sympathetic smile to her sister-in-law.  "I know, Relena.  We all care about him."

Sighing again, Relena shrugged out of her brother's grasp and resumed pacing the corridor.  She knew that Milliardo and Noin meant well, but she was simply too worried at the moment to listen to any rational thought.  As her pacing brought her back to the sitting area, her eyes fell on the last member of their group.  Relena slowed down, and looked over at the young man sitting in a chair, apparently lost in thought.  "Quatre?" she asked gently.

Quatre Raberba Winner whipped his light blond head around to look at Relena.  "Yes?  Sorry, I was kind of out of it."  He offered a gentle smile, knowing what this must be like for her.

Relena sat down beside her friend.  "I just wanted to thank you for coming.  I really didn't mean to make you leave the charity ball."  She closed her eyes and leaned forward, resting her head in her hands. 

Smiling again, Quatre placed his arm around Relena's shoulders and pulled her into a comforting hug.  "Don't mention it, Relena.  I'd never think of leaving you alone at a time like this.  Besides," he added quieter, "he means a lot to me, too."

She turned her head and rested it on Quatre's shoulder.  "Thank you," she whispered.  "I needed to hear that.  I just keep feeling like I'm the only one that's really worried."

Quatre shook his head.  "Relena," he said, "we're all worried.  I can understand, though, how you'd probably be the most worried out of anyone here"

That caused Relena's head to pick up.  "Oh, God, I completely forgot!  Did anyone call to let the Preventers know where we are?"

Milliardo and Noin heard this, and walked over from where they had been talking privately.  "Don't worry, Relena," Milliardo told her.  "I called and told Sally where we were.  She said that she'd come over to see if she could help.  And," his voice took on a tone that sounded slightly like annoyance, "she said that Heero was insisting on coming over."

Relena's ears picked up at the mention of Heero Yuy's name, momentarily making her forget her current problems. 

Heero had joined the Preventers six months after he disappeared following the battle with Dechim Barton.  Relena had been ecstatic to see him, and, upon learning that he had been placed in charge of her security unit, had thought that there would finally be a chance for them.  But, much to her dismay, there relationship stayed strictly professional.  Now, almost nine months after Heero had come back into Relena's life, she was in danger of losing someone equally important.

"Relena?" Quatre asked worriedly, noticing a slightly glazed look in his friend's eyes.  "Are you all right?"

"What?"   She picked her head up, and looked at Quatre.  "Oh, sorry, I guess my mind drifted.  All this stress is getting to me."  Relena stood up, and was about to resume her pacing, when she felt two strong arms encircle her.  "Quatre?" she asked, confused. 

"Please don't worry about everything so much, Relena," Quatre said quietly, turning Relena to look into her eyes.  "You can't let all of your emotions come at you at once.  Please, talk to me, since it's obvious that you won't talk to Zechs."

Relena averted her eyes from Quatre's penetrating gaze.  "I'm sorry, it's justit's just"  Her voice trailed off, unsure if she wanted to continue. 

"Go on," Quatre encouraged her.

"It's just, why does every man I love end up leaving me?"  Relena felt tears coming to her eyes as she voiced what had been a deep concern of hers for years.

Quatre looked slightly confused.  "What do you mean?"

Relena looked up into her friend's sea-green eyes.  "I don't remember King Peacecraft," she explained quietly, "but I'm sure I must have loved him.  Then my adoptive father died, then my adoptive grandfather, Marquis Wayridge."  Silent tears began to roll down Relena's cheeks, despite her efforts to remain calm.  "Heero always left me, and even though he's here now, he doesn't see me as anything more than his job.  Even Milliardo nearly left; it was close to a year after Libra exploded before he returned.  And nowand now" she stopped speaking, burying her head in her hands and sobbing.  "I don't know what I'll do if he dies, Quatre!" 

He pulled her close, gently stroking her honey-brown hair.  "Shh, shh.  It'll all work out, Relena.  He's strong, and he's lived through bad times before."

"But I don't even know how badly he's hurt!  And he's so old"

Before Quatre could respond, a doctor walked out from behind the large double doors that separated the waiting room from the emergency room.  He noticed the group of well-dressed young people, and knew that they were who he was looking for.  "Are you here about Pagan LaQuolle?" he asked them as he walked over.

Relena's head shot up.  "Yes!  How is he?  Where is he?  Is he dead?  What's happening to him?" she shouted hysterically at the doctor.

The doctor, whose hospital ID tags showed to be named Dr Alphonse, shook his head slightly.  "I'm sorry, Miss Darlian.  He's not doing too well.  Mr LaQuolle suffered from a massive heart attack.  We've got him stabilized for now, but it's really just a matter of time before his heart gives out again.  I'm sorry."

"Oh God," Relena choked out, before sinking to her knees.  Milliardo immediately wrapped his arms protectively around his little sister, although she appeared to not notice them at all.  Her face was buried in her hands again as she let out heart-wrenching cries. 

Noin looked from her husband to Relena, then turned her gaze to the doctor.  "Can we go in and see him?" she asked softly, not wanting to get Relena's hopes up.

Dr Alphonse nodded.  "Yes, but he's unconscious right now.  There are absolutely no guarantees that he'll wake up before he dies, however."

Milliardo nodded, then helped Relena stand, since she didn't seem inclined to do so on her own.  "Come on, Relena.  Pagan's not gone yet.  Don't lose hope so easily."  He was trying to keep his tone cheerful, so as not to hurt Relena further, but he knew that what the doctor had told them was the truth.  Milliardo kept one arm around Relena, and slipped his other hand into Noin's as they followed the doctor into the Emergency Room.  Before he walked through, Milliardo turned around and looked at Quatre.  "Could you stay here until Sally and Heero arrive?" he asked.  He smiled slightly when Quatre nodded.  "Thank you."  Milliardo turned back and walked through the doors.

~*~*~*~*~

Dr Alphonse led them to room A14.  "This is his room.  You can all go in, but if he should wake up, please try to keep him as calm as possible."  He opened the door, and turned to walk away.  "If anything should happen, have one of the nurses get me."  With that, he was off.

"Uncaring bastard," Relena muttered.

"Relena!" Milliardo admonished, shocked at her use of language.  Seeing that she was about to cry again, he added in a softer tone, "let's go see him, okay?"

Relena nodded, and walked into the doorway, followed by Milliardo.  Noin stayed just outside, reasoning "in case they come, they'll know where we are."  Silently thanking his wife, Milliardo followed his sister into the hospital room.

What they saw when they entered nearly broke their hearts.  "Oh, God!  Pagan!"  In a flash, Relena was by her butler's bedside, grasping one of his wrinkled hands and sobbing into the blanket.

He looked dead.  The only thing telling the two Peacecraft's otherwise was the steady beep of the heart monitor.  Pagan had tubes coming in his arms delivering medicine that was keeping his heart pumping.  There was an oxygen mask over his face, helping him to breathe.  What caught Milliardo's attention the most, however, was the clipboard of medical information sitting in the basket at the foot of the bed.  Written in big red letters across the top sheet were the words "DO NOTRESSUCITATE".  Milliardo swallowed hard, knowing that Relena would probably not react too well to that once the inevitable finally did happen.

"Pagan?"  Milliardo was pulled out of his thoughts when he heard Relena's soft voice.  "Pagan?" she said again softly, as if scared to wake him.

Nothing.

Relena's heart sank as she wondered if he would just stay unconscious, and die in his sleep.  Her tears came again at this thought.  She would never get to tell him how much he meant to her, or to thank him for being with her for her entire life.  She lowered her head to the blankets and sobbed, worried that she would never even get to say goodbye.

"Oh Pagan, please don't die."

Milliardo walked over to Relena.  He placed one hand on her shaking shoulder, and the other covering Pagan's other hand.  "Relena"  He was unsure if he should tell her about the DNR order.

Relena looked up to respond, not seeing very clearly through her tears.  Her attention was diverted, however, by a moan from the bed.

Relena's head shot around to look at Pagan, who moaned again and moved slightly.  "Pagan?" she said quietly, hopefully.

Pagan's face contorted slightly, then relaxed as he slowly opened his eyes.  He looked unsure of what was going on for a moment, then uttered in a hoarse voice "Miss Relena?"

The young woman's face lit up.  He was alive!  He was awake!  "Pagan!" she cried happily, grasping his hand tighter and leaning over to hug him gently.  "You're alive, you're alive!" she kept repeating.

Tired eyes drifted upwards towards the young man standing over Relena's shoulder.  "Mr Milliardo," he wheezed.

"Pagan," he murmured, looking upon the man he remembered from his childhood in the Cinq Kingdom.  He looked so different from the man of his youth, when he had helped to raise the royal children.  Milliardo could still clearly recall the times before the kingdom's collapse, and he fondly remembered Pagan, the man who taught him everything from riding to fencing.  Pagan had been the Peacecraft's most trusted servant, which was why Milliardo had asked him to go with Relena and the Darlian's, rather than stay with the prince.  "Pagan, how are you feeling?"  Milliardo didn't need to ask the question, nor did he need to hear the answer.  He could see the answer written all over the old man's face: Pagan was dying, and knew that there wasn't much time left.

"I'm fine, Mr Milliardo, Miss Relena.  Please don't worry about me."  He tried to laugh a bit, but that only sent him into a coughing spasm, which set his heart monitor off.

Relena gasped and looked frantically from the monitor to her brother.  "Milliardo, what's happening?!"

Pagan tried desperately to catch his breath, clutching unconsciously at his chest.  He felt a subtle tightness there, and he knew that his time was running out.

"Miss Relena," he said, catching his breath.  "I just wanted to thank you."

She looked in confusion at her dear friend.  "Thank me?  For what?"

The old man smiled slightly.  "For allowing me to watch you grow up.  You've become so much like your mother"  His voice trailed off as he closed his eyes again.

"Pagan?  Pagan!  Please don't die!"  Relena grew frantic as she heard the heart monitor begin to slow down slightly.  "Please!  You're one of the only people I have left!  Please!"  She began sobbing again.  Gripping his hand tighter, she forced herself to speak.  "If anyone should be thanking somebody, I should be thanking you.  You've always been like a grandfather to me, and for that I owe you everything that I've become.  You were always here for me.  I'm not ready to say goodbye yet!"  She silently pleaded for Pagan to open his eyes again.  "Pagan!"

He did.  "Miss Relena, I've never been more honored.  I couldn't have been more proud of you if you had been my real granddaughter."  He started to close his eyes again, feeling his breath coming in shallower, but he forced himself to stay awake as Relena talked again.

"Oh, God, Pagan!  You've always taken care of me!  I don't know what to do now!  Please!  LIVE!"  Relena was hysterical now.

Pagan glanced with an unsteady gaze out of the door.  He saw Noin looking in sadly as Quatre, Sally, and Heero joined her in the entrance.  He watched as Heero's gaze fell on him for a moment, before softening slightly at the sight of Relena sobbing.  He smiled, knowing that Relena would be all right.  "Alright then.  Miss Relena," he looked at the now-young woman he had helped to raise.  "please don't worry. You'll be taken care of.  I know that now."  He felt his chest becoming tighter again.  "Mr Milliardo, I was so glad that I got to see you and Miss Relena grow up.  Your parents would be proud."  With that, Pagan closed his eyes and breathed his last breath.

"Pagan?" Relena asked uncertainly, her eyes watering.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-

"Pagan?!" she called a little more urgently.

--eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-

Two nurses and Dr Alphonse came rushing in at the sound of the flatline.

--eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-

 "Do something!  He's dying!" Relena screamed at the doctors.  "Please!"

Dr Alphonse shook his head.  "We can't.  We found his file after we saved him the first time.  It seems Mr LaQuolle had signed a Do Not Resuscitate order.  There's nothing we can do.  I'm sorry."   Dr Alphonse leaned over and turned off the heart monitor.  "Time of death, 22:36."  He and the nurses left silently to allow Relena and Milliardo to say goodbye.

Relena stared blankly at Pagan.  "No," she whispered.  Her body began to shudder involuntarily.  "No," she said a little louder. 

Milliardo gently took Relena's arm and began to lead her away from the bed.  Realization finally struck her as she looked at the unmoving body on the hospital bed.  "NOOOOOOOO!"  Relena twisted out of Milliardo's arms and flung herself back on top of the bed.  "NOOOOOOOO!"

Outside, Sally Po, Quatre, and Heero watched as the Vice Foreign Minister seemed to completely break down.  Sally stood silently, knowing what it felt like to lose someone close to her.  Quatre understood too, allowing a few stray tears to fall down his cheeks.  He had always liked Pagan, and he always knew how close a relationship he and Relena had had.  Only Heero seemed unaffected, looking upon the scene taking place inside the hospital room with his characteristic lack of emotion.  Heero turned to Quatre, who was now only looking on in sympathy for his friend. 

"I don't get it," Heero said coolly.  "People die.  Why is she so upset?"

Quatre looked at his fellow pilot as if he were from another planet.  "Heero, you know how close they were.  Pagan has been with Miss Relena since she was born.  It's only natural that she'd be upset.  Besides," he added, almost slyly, "you know you wish that it was you comforting her."  Quatre studied his friend's face for any noticeable reaction.

Heero only made a small 'hn' sound before speaking.  "Unless this is going to interfere with Relena's safety, it's of no concern to me."

"Then why did you come with me here?" Sally asked, looking over at her fellow Preventer.

Heero shrugged.  "With Milliardo, Noin, and Quatre all pre-occupied here, Relena wouldn't have been guarded."  Heero's eyes betrayed his words, however, and Quatre saw the flash of emotion that softened his gaze as he looked in on the weeping princess.  

Noin came in quietly and wrapped her arms around Milliardo.  "I'm sorry," she whispered.

Milliardo stared blankly at his sister and his former caregiver, not hearing his wife.  Shaking his head to clear it, he turned to Noin, a sad smile playing on his lips.  "Noin, could you take Relena outside?  I think that she needs some time to cool down, and I just want to say goodbye."  Even though they had been married for almost two years, he still used her maiden name as a term of affection. 

Noin smiled, understanding what her husband was saying.  "Of course.  Quatre and Sally can probably calm her down."  She leaned in and gave Milliardo a soft kiss on his cheek.  "I'm so sorry," she said again, as she reached out to take Relena's arm and lead her out of the room.

"Pagan," Relena sobbed quietly as she allowed herself to be led away.  She wasn't really paying attention to her surroundings, and she completely ignored the look of sorrow that came over Heero's face as she and Noin walked passed him.

Milliardo watched his little sister and wife leave, before turning back to see Pagan one last time.  "Thank you, old friend," he said softly.  The fallen prince grasped one of the cooling hands of his former servant and protector.  "You took care of herwell.  Relena's grown up wonderfully.  I'm glad that you got to see it.  I only wish that our parents could have been there."  Milliardo released Pagan's hand, and turned to walk away and let the doctors do their job.  He paused at the doorway, and turned to get one last look.  "And you're right.  She will always be protected."  He walked through the door, out to the waiting room where the others were.  Goodbye.
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