Letting Go
Part 2

Heero stood at the gate of the cemetery, his usual frown plastered on his face.  He had been coming there everyday for the passed two weeks in order to keep an eye on his wayward security charge.  He leaned against the rusty iron that stood guard over the Peacecraft Monarchy Burial Grounds, unnoticed by the young blond woman who kneeled by a grave about a hundred yards away, sobs wracking her body.

Sighing, Heero shifted positions so that he was leaning on his other foot.  Relena had been leaving her office in the middle of the day ever since Pagan's funeral nearly two weeks earlier.  She never told anybody where she was going, she just up and left.  The first time she had done that, she had nearly given her brother a coronary, making him crazy with worry.  Heero had tailed her, unseen, and found himself at the graveyard.  Even if he wasn't entirely sure that he understood what she was feeling, Heero knew that she needed to be left alone.  At least, he had felt that way for the first week or so.  Now, he was beginning to think that she was absolutely insane for still grieving.

He sighed again.  He was halfway across the cemetery and he could hear her crying.  Heero was certain that no normal person could cry like this for so long over anybody.  At least, that was what he had been continuously telling himself for the passed fourteen days.  It was high time, he decided, that he find out exactly why she insisted on this extended period of mourning.

Heero pushed open the gate, making it's ancient hinges squeak.  Across the graveyard, Relena heard the sound.  She turned to face Heero momentarily.  He was too far away to see her face clearly, but he was fairly sure from the way the sunlight was hitting her face that it was stained with tears.  Relena stared at Heero, or at least in his general direction, he wasn't sure, before turning and resuming her vigil over the headstone.

Now Heero knew that something was wrong.  Relena had never, in all of the events they'd been through together, noticed him and not said or done anything.  Making his way carefully over the graves of Relena's and Milliardo's ancestors, Heero prepared himself for what he was certain would be a very emotional Foreign Minister.

He reached Relena, and stood behind her.  He knew that she was aware of his presence, for she had tensed up slightly when he got near to her.  It was a very slight response, but Heero had seen it.  He waited to see if Relena would say anything.  She didn't.  Heero found that to be rather odd behavior for her, even in this heightened emotional state.  What he found even odder, however, was that he found himself saddened and slightly worried that she hadn't said anything to him.  He missed hearing her voice.

Chotto matte!  Where did that come from?  I missed her voice?...  Heero pulled himself out of his thoughts, and forced himself to focus on the task at hand.  Analyzing why he missed such an obscure part of Relena could wait for later.  "Relena."  He said it, rather than ask for her attention.

Relena remained still, although she was still facing Pagan's gravestone.  "Yes, Heero?"  She tried to keep her voice neutral, but the days of crying had taken their toll on it, and her words came out sounding faintly scratchy.

"You've been coming here everyday for the passed two weeks.  You've been neglecting your duties as Vice foreign Minister, and you have everyone in the UN Congress and the Preventers worried sick with your sudden disappearances."  Heero's voice sounded the way Relena wished hers was: cool and completely devoid of feeling.  "You're either going to tell me what's wrong, or you're going to let me take you back to your office to continue working."  He paused and waited for her response.

Still not facing him, Relena replied "You couldn't possibly understand how I feel, Heero.  But I'm not letting you take me back."

A scowl crossed Heero's face, even though Relena couldn't see it.  "If you want to stay here, then you need to talk to me."  Heero surprised himself yet again by realizing that a part of him wanted Relena to talk to him.  He also found himself wishing that he had time to go over these new discoveries.

"I can't do that, since it goes back to that 'you wouldn't understand' thing."  Relena, in an attempt to keep her voice under control, ended up putting more venom into her statement than she had meant to.  As much as she would have loved to fall into Heero's arms and tell him everything on her troubled mind, she knew that he could never understand why she had been so distraught over Pagan's death.

Her statement hit Heero a little hard.  His scowl deepened, but he found himself kneeling onto the freshly-packed earth beside her.  He was about to respond, but he caught his words when he heard her sobbing again.  Heero's frown quickly disappeared, as did his growing anger.  He had always hated it when she cried.  In spite of himself, Heero found himself thinking that her face was too lovely to be smeared with tears.  Lovely? he thought.  Well, I guess this explains a lot...  Unsure of what to do with his newfound insight, I guess I have emotions after all, he thought wryly, Heero decided to try and get Relena to talk to him.  Maybe it would help her.  He placed a hand gently on her shaking shoulder, and said "What makes you think that I wouldn't understand?"  He hoped that this approach would work.

"Because you delight in death!"  The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them.  It didn't matter now.  She was slightly afraid, but she turned herself to face Heero, and braced herself to accept whatever way he responded.  If he responded at all.

Heero's face flushed with anger.  Was this what she thought of him?!  Even if he had never said anything, he had always felt that Relena could see beyond his mask of a soldier.  Apparently, he had been wrong.  "What's that supposed to mean?" he asked, his voice low.

Relena's face crumpled at the sight of Heero's angry expression.  She felt a fresh set of tears coming involuntarily, as she tried desperately to make amends with one of the few things that were good in her life.  "Heero, I-I'm sorry...I didn't...I didn't mean..."  Before she could finish, her voice was caught by her tears.

His anger was completely washed away by the actual sight of her crying.  He realized that he had never actually seen Relena cry before.  She had always been so strong.  "Relena," he said, trying to calm her down. 

Her tears continued to fall.  "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she kept repeating between her sobs.  She had never meant for that to come out.  She had never intended to tell him the reason that she wouldn't discuss Pagan's death with him.

"Relena," he shushed her.  He could feel his body relaxing.  Now, he was more interested in finding out what was going on in her mind than ever.  Heero knew that Relena wouldn't say something like that unless something was truly plaguing her.  "Relena, I know that you didn't mean it.  But," here goes nothing, "why won't you tell me what's wrong?  Maybe you'll feel better talking about it."

Relena let out a bitter laugh, which worried Heero.  "You want to talk?"  Through her tears she could see that Heero's face was deadly serious, and she was slightly taken aback by that.  "Do...do you mean it?"  When Relena saw that he was not saying no, but he's not exactly saying yes, she let out a shaky sigh, and figured that at least she couldn't say anything worse than she already had.

"So," Heero settled himself more comfortably on his knees.  "How about we start with you telling me exactly why you're still so worked up over this."

She turned around to fully face Heero, absently wiping at the last few tears that still clung to her cheeks.  A part of her wondered why he was acting so concerned; he had never really shown anything beyond indifference to her.  Still, Relena thought, he seems sincere about talking with me.  Still a little unsure, Relena offered Heero one more chance out.  Taken aback yet again at his insistence on getting her to talk, she decided to phrase things as much as possible so that Heero would understand.  "Heero," she began, "have...have you ever had someone become so much a part of your life that you'd be lost without them?"

Heero stared at her.  She looked so lost and helpless, her eyes telling him a story not conveyed in her words.  The mid-afternoon sunlight reflected off of her eyes, making her unshed tears sparkle.  He fought back the sudden urge to hold her, to take the pain that she was obviously feeling away from her.   He understood just then why she had told him that he wouldn't understand what she was going through.  It was because he had never experienced what she was going through.  Heero could only sigh and answer honestly.  "No.  I've never had someone be that close to me before."

Relena's shoulders slumped, and she hung her head down, out of Heero's intense gaze.  "I didn't expect you to understand.  It's just that..." her voice trailed off.

"'Just that' what?"

"Pagan was with me ever since I was born.  He never treated me like a babysitting charge, or just a duty.  He was with me for everything."  Relena looked back up at Heero, feeling an intense, if surprisingly sudden, desire to make him understand.  "All my life I've been surrounded by people who only saw two things: my social status and my father's bank account.  Before the war, I'd never known anyone who tried to befriend me for anything beyond the surface.  I did what I had to, smiling and acting the part that Father's job had laid out for me.  But every day when I returned from school, every time that I would feel sad or angry at my life, Pagan was always there.  As much as I loved my parents, their schedules kept them away a lot.  But Pagan was always there for me.  He was always with me.  He helped to raise me.  He was the last part of my past left."  She looked up to see if Heero was understanding any of this.  Even as she was speaking, Relena could hear the tone in her voice that she had had when she was younger, and wasn't getting her way.  She feared that Heero had sensed this as well, and would admonish her for being so silly.  But to her surprise, Heero did not look angry.  He didn't even look entirely indifferent.  His face was still his usual cool mask, but his Prussian blue eyes told her that he could see where she was coming from, even if he didn't understand it firsthand.  Seeing this, Relena felt that she should continue. 

"I guess I always took him for granted, I thought that he'd always be here.  I remember once, when I was about thirteen years old," Relena got a wistful smile on her face, "there was a boy that I really liked.  We 'went out', as much as two thirteen year olds can go out, two times.  I thought that he really liked me, but one day I overheard him and some of his friends talking.  The boy was saying that he had 'the little Darlian snob eating out of the palm of his hand', and that he was certain that he could get into some elite student club that I was a part of.  Back to the social status thing again."  Relena paused, and wiped at an annoying tear that found it's way out of her eye.  She didn't bother to look at Heero to see his reaction to this.  "I got home from school that night, and went right up to my room and cried.  Father and Mother were away again, so only Pagan and I were at home.  He came into my room, and asked me what was wrong.  When I told him, he got this sad smile on his face, and pulled me up for a hug.  He told me that it didn't matter what quote, 'addle-minded, simple fools' unquote, thought about me, because he would always care about me, no matter what.  I think that that one moment was the most wonderful thing anybody ever said to me."  Relena choked near the last sentence, and quickly turned away from Heero, staring at the grave again.  "Oh, Pagan, I miss you..."

Heero sat silently, unsure of what to do.  Emotions had never been his strong suit.  She tried to warn me, he thought ruefully.  But still, she's crying again.  I have to do something.  Before he had a chance to think about what he was doing, Heero found himself reaching over and pulling Relena into a loose embrace.  What am I doing?  Why am I holding her?

Because you've wanted to do this for three years.

Who said that?

We did.

I've been hanging around Duo too long.  I'm hearing voices.

Not voices.  We're your heart and your emotions...YES, you have them.  Now, are you gonna comfort her, or keep talking with us?

...

You're impossible.  For a smart boy, we really wonder sometimes...

...Wonder about what?

Argh!  Wonder how you've managed to suppress us for so long when you're around her.  Don't think that you don't like holding her, talking with her, comforting her.  Don't even think about telling us that you want to keep things the way they were!

Why do you sound like Duo?

Because.  The boy's been trying to get you to act normal for so long that you transplanted his persona and voice into us.  

Oh.

Would you stop talking with us!  She's looking at you funny.

...How long have you been here?

All your life.  But we weren't strong enough to come out of hiding until you met her.  Now, go and comfort her!  She's still crying, in-between giving you really odd looks.  I promise, we'll have time to talk later.

All right.

GO!

While Heero was busy having his internal dialogue, Relena had time to get over the shock of his arms being around her.  Although she was somewhat shocked at his actions, she didn't find them the least uncomfortable.  She only wished that he wasn't doing it because he felt obligated to.  Oh well, might as well enjoy the sensation while it's here.  The thought that Heero would leave her as soon as they left the cemetery brought on a fresh set of tears.  Ignoring them as best she could, Relena tilted her head back to look at Heero, to see if there was any ulterior motive at all for his behavior.  The blank look on his face wasn't she expected to find.  She waited a moment, but Heero's expression didn't change.  This got her worried.  It almost looked like Heero was talking to himself!  A perplexed look crossed Relena's face.  Heero wasn't crazy enough to talk to himself, was he?

Heero snapped back to reality.  Looking down, he saw that Relena was in fact looking at him oddly.  Oops, he thought.  "Relena?" he asked, deciding to draw her attention away from whatever she was thinking about him.

"Yes?"

Heero turned her in his arms to face him.  Again to his surprise, he lifted his hand and wiped away a few of the tears on her face.  This elicited a gasp from her, a sound which Heero found himself liking.  This isn't the best time to suddenly realize that I like her.  He tilted her head up so that she was eye level with him.  "Do you feel any better, now that it's not all pent up?"

Relena laughed in spite of herself.  Noticing Heero's strange look, she stopped and looked at him.  "I'm sorry.  It's just so strange to hear you get so concerned about keeping emotions inside, and to have you wanting to talk to me.  And no, I don't really feel better."

Heero frowned.  "You don't?  I thought that talking is supposed to help with problems."

"Heero," Relena said gently, "people don't just get over something like this after having a fifteen minute conversation.  This is why I didn't expect you to understand.  Death means two different things to you and me."

His frown deepened.  "Why do you keep saying that?  I regret it when people die, and I feel remorseful for taking so many lives in the wars."

Relena shook her head.  "I don't doubt that, Heero.  But has death ever touched you personally?  Besides Milliardo and Noin, no one really got to know Pagan.  I'm the only one mourning his death."

"So you feel the need for an extended period of mourning to make up for the lack of people who are sad?  Where's the logic in that?"

"See?  This is exactly what I mean!  I've been sad for so long because I miss him.  He was like family to me.  In fact, I knew him longer than I knew my own brother."  Relena's voice turned pleading.  "Heero, Pagan never had any family except for me.  He never got married, he never had any children.  He was alone in this world, except for me.  And whenever I lost someone from my life, he was still there.  I considered him my grandfather.  And he called me his granddaughter.  That's a bond that's not so easily severed.  It will take time for me to get over this.  Please, understand this."

Heero nodded.  "You were right.  I don't understand what it's like for you."  Relena turned her head away, and Heero took a deep breath, deciding to listen to his heart for once.  You'd better be right about this, though.  "I want to, though."

Relena's head shot up.  "What?"

"I want to understand," he continued.  "Relena, I...I don't like seeing you like this, and I want to help you.  I want to understand what you're going through, and I want to be there for you."  Please, please...

She was  shocked.  "Heero?  You do?"  

Heero nodded.

For the first time that day, Relena smiled a genuine smile.  "Thank you, Heero.  Thank you.  And...I want to help you understand, too."

Feeling bold from her words, Heero pulled her close and pressed a soft kiss on her forehead.  He tightened his embrace around her, and the two of them stayed like that for a few moments, before Heero spoke again.  "Um, are you feeling better now?"

Relena nodded and laughed, and fresh tears tumbled from her eyes.

Heero frowned again.  "Why are you crying?  I thought you..."

"I am.  For the first time in a while, I do feel better.  Still sad, but better."  Returning Heero's previous gesture, Relena kissed his cheek softly.  "Thank you," she whispered, hugging him tighter.

A smile slowly crept across Heero's features.  So, this was what he had been missing.  He stood, pulling Relena up with him.  "We really should get you back.  I promise to take you back here tomorrow."

Relena shook her head as she dusted her pantsuit off.  "No.  I...I should probably try to focus on other things for a little while.  Pagan always tried to make me happy; I don't think that he'd want me to be so sad for so long."

Nodding, Heero glanced down, and shyly reached for Relena's hand.  "Come on," he said softly, giving her a tiny smile, which she returned wholeheartedly.

They began to walk out of the cemetery, when Heero spoke again.  "You know, Relena, I think that I lied to you before."

Relena looked up at him.  "About what?"

"I think that I do have someone in my life that I'd be lost without."

Relena's smile grew even wider.  She leaned over and hugged him.  "Really?"

"Yeah."

They were silent a moment more, before Relena said something.  "Heero, I think this was the most I've ever heard you talk."

He shrugged.  "Get used to it."

Laughing, the newfound couple passed through the heavy iron gates, back to Heero's car.  In the waning daylight, a shadowy figure seemed to stand over the recently vacated grave.  Almost seeming as if to be a trick of the light, the figure watched them go.  If a person looked hard enough, it would have seemed that there was a smile crossing the wrinkled features of the shadow.

Yes, she'll be all right from now on.

As quickly as it had appeared, the figure vanished.
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