Choosing Fate
Chapter 7
By Lady Saffir

DISCLAIMER: I don't own them. *sniff*

AN - I read a scientific study a few weeks ago, that said people who sit down and write about traumatic or stressful situations for 15 to 20 minutes a day tend to have better physical and cardiovascular health, and tend to be better off emotionally. Well, I wrote this chapter in two hours...I'm going to live forever.

"Writing, when properly managed...is but a different name for conversation." - Sterne

"So the heart be right, it is no matter which way the head lies." - Ralegh

*********************

I was in the backyard, swinging on my old tire swing, when Heero wandered over. Apparently the summer boredom syndrome was striking him as well. Without asking he began to push me on the swing, and that's how I asked my question.

"Heero?"

"Hmm?"

"I have a really really really really really REALLY important question to ask you, and I want you to be totally honest with me."

I could feel Heero hesitating while he continued to push me, but finally he answered.

"All right. Shoot."

And so I did. I ask a question that completely embarrassed me, because I was afraid that Catherine had been wrong and I was about to make a complete fool out of myself.

"Do you like me?"

Apparently that wasn't the question that Heero was expecting, because I actually swung by him twice before he could form a coherent sentence.

"As in?"

"Girlfriend like."

I knew my face had to be the color of a ripe tomato. I mean, I just asked my first bestfriend if he wanted to date me.

"Yeah."

********************

Heero left shortly after that, and I settled into my favorite chair to think things over. I pondered and I thought; I puzzled and I questioned, but all I got for my hour was the vague feeling that I sounded like something out of a Dr. Suess book and a headache.

Gyah, why does this relationship stuff have to be so hard? I was beginning to wish that I lived in a time when the parents arranged everything, so I wouldn't feel bad.

Of course, with my luck, I'd end up with some old fat man.

******************

I spent most of the following week with Duo. He was supposed to go on a family vacation next week, and we both wanted to cram time with each other in. We played those horrid shoot'em up video games, romped around outside, went to the mall, watched movies - you name it, we did it.

~~~~~~~~~~

"I'm going to miss you."

Duo's words only came as a slight surprise to me the night before he left. We were curled up in the rec room at his house, watching some movie. Well, we were supposed to be watching the movie, but pretty much all the time was spent kissing and talking.

All right, fine. We kissed more than we talked. Happy?

At any rate, I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and I buried my head against his shoulder so that he wouldn't see them. Of course, when I did that, he knew I was crying, but he would usually not say anything, or act even more like a clown to cheer me up.

"I'm going to miss you too," I mouthed around his shirt, and I felt the kiss that he placed on the top of my head.

*********************

I moped around the house the day after Duo left, feeling completely stupid. He would be back in two weeks; surely I was independent enough to survive that long without him?

Marie and Catherine tried their best to cheer me up, and that included taking me to the mall. Catherine and Quatre had hooked up in March, so he was glad to play chauffeur for us.

He even had the sense not to say anything as we dragged him into every clothing store there was. What a guy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

About Thursday of that week, my little demon came back and started not so softly to whisper in my ear. Each day I would wake up happy, but as I remembered my current situation, my day would go downhill. It was even to the point where I couldn't hide it from my mother, but she just put it down to missing Duo.

Yeah, I felt a whole lot better after hearing that.

I couldn't talk to my mother, because I could practically hear what she would say.

"Relena," she would begin, "I think you need to stop seeing this as being so serious. You are fourteen years old. You are supposed to date different people. Stop acting like the world is going to end if you break up with Duo."

I tried calling my grandmother, but all she told me was that I had to do what my heart told me to do.

Gee, really? I would never of thought of that one...

Finally, I gave up and called Milliardo. I needed a guy's perspective on this, and I could trust him not to blab to anyone, except maybe Lucy.

Speaking of Lucy, she sounded mighty crabby when she answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Ah...Lucy? This is Relena. Is...Milliardo around?"

"Hello, Relena. I'll go and find him." The last word was spoken with ice hanging off of it.

Great, I'd probably called in the middle of a fight or something.

"Relena?"

My brother's voice sounded warm in my ear, bringing me out of la-la land.

"Milliardo? Did I call at a bad time?"

"Noooo, not really," he chuckled. "Lucy's just getting fussier the closer it comes to the due date. It's nothing personal.

"What can I do for you?"

Damn, I'd almost forgotten why I'd called.

"Well, I kinda need your advice on something," I drawled out, not really wanting to admit to anything now. I'd probably sound completely juvenile to him.

"Boy problems?"

"How did you know?" I demanded.

Milliardo's laughter came through the line again.

"Believe it or not, dad actually figured it out, and told me you'd probably be calling."

Grr...I HATE it when my parents do that!

"What should I do then?"

"Relena, I just know it's guy problems. I don't know the specifics," he stated.

"Okay. Well. Hmm...it's like this. I'm dating Duo - and everything's fine between us, really! - but remember those surprise flowers I got for Valentine's? Well, it turns out Heero sent them - Catherine found that out. Anyway, I finally got the nerve to ask Heero, and he says that he does like me that way. And I think I like him that way too, but if I dump Duo and turn around to date Heero, I'm going to look horrible, and I doubt that Duo will ever want to speak with me again. And what happens if I'm with Heero for a week and realize that I don't like him that way and Duo won't take me back? I'll have ruined a good thing for a chance at another good thing," I wailed.

"That's it?!"

I never realized what an insensitive jerk my brother can be sometimes.

"What do you mean, 'that's it?!'? I'll have you know that it might sound stupid to you, but it's hurting me to think about this.

"Just forget. Never mind. Forget that I ever called you, I'll figure it out myself," I huffed.

"Relena...I'm sorry. It just doesn't seem like you, to agonize over something like this. What happened to Ms. Spontaneous? Just sit down, practice those relaxing techniques that I showed you, and listen to yourself. Don't try to analyze this to death; you'll only ending up making it worse. Don't think; feel."

My brother, the philosopher.

The conversation was pretty much over after that, and as I hung up the phone, I decided that Milliardo's advice couldn't hurt anything.

***********************

That night, as I lay in bed, I tried to follow Milliardo's advice. Beginning at the crown of my head, I imagined that a thin bubble was sliding over my body, covering me with a thin coating. I focused on every part of my body, feeling the bubble wrap around my fingers individually, as they lay curled at my sides.

By the time I finished, I was at peace.

I slowly started to allow the thought of Duo to unfold through me, noting how I reacted to everything. I imagined not being able to hug or kiss Duo, and my stomach tightened instantly, a feeling of dread forming a yawning pit in my stomach. I felt like I was going to be sick. I backed off from that thought then, and went through the relaxing techniques once more. When I finished them, I put Heero in Duo's place.

Surprisingly, when I thought of Heero, it was my chest that tightened, a constricting band that made me gasp for air.

Could that be it, then? Everyone says to follow your heart, and if Heero was that deeply entrenched in my heart, then my answer should be clear cut - shouldn't it?

*********************** ***********************

"What in the world are you talking about? I don't get how you arrived at this."

"Well, I didn't know it at the time, but the heart and the stomach are two major chakra points, points of energy in the body. Through the years, I've come to think that each person we meet touches us at a different point. Some, like Duo, affect our abdomen chakra, and others, like Heero, are rooted at other points."

"You've lost me."

"Well, let me put it this way. When I thought of losing Duo, I began to feel nauseous, right? It started in my lower stomach, where they say one of the points is.

"But when I thought of Heero, my heart and lungs felt constricted, which identified with another chakra point."

"Whatever. You're crazy."

"Humph. Maybe you should open your eyes a bit and explore the world before you start declaring things to be silly or absurd. It might just be a wild idea of mine, but we can't know for certain, no can we?"

************************ ************************

I've always been a bit...eccentric, as Marie called me, so the idea of leaving such an important decision up to something that I very well could have imagined didn't phase me. What did phase me, however, was the thought of actually following through.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For two nights after making that little discovery, I laid awake, curled around the stuffed penguin that Duo had given me for my birthday last year. Rationally, I KNEW that it was stupid to act like this was serious; I mean, it wasn't like we were married and I was thinking about cheating on him; but I couldn't get his words from the wedding out of my mind.

/Tell me when, where, and what color, and I'll be there./

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The second night, as I cried silently to myself, I decided that I could take this stress no longer. I felt that I had to give dating Heero a try; Duo would either understand, or he would hate me. Unless I found out for myself though, I would always wonder if I had made a mistake by not dating Heero.

*********************

Duo wasn't due back for another four days when he called, his voice cheerful. He talked nonstop for fifteen minutes, when he finally realized that I wasn't really responding.

"Babe? Something the matter?"

I am a horrible person.

"Duo...I need to tell you something, and promise me you'll listen completely, alright?"

Duo caught on to my serious tone, and his voice sounded resigned when he spoke, as if he knew what was coming.

"Go ahead."

"I've been...thinking, and I think that I wanna try...I wanna..." I was crying, my throat becoming clogged with emotion, but I managed to blurt it out.

"I think I wanna...try dating someone else," I whispered.

I am a disgusting, horrible person.

Duo was silent for minutes, and I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Finally, when he did speak, the tears were evident in his voice.

"You're sure about this?"

"Yes...I think, I mean...I don't know, Duo! I just feel like it's something I need to try."

They should lock me up for being this cruel.

"I...understand. Good-bye."

I stared at the phone, still crying. I couldn't believe I had just done that.

I don't deserve the title human being.

***********************

I ran into Heero, literally, when I rushed outside. I had some idea that I would go into the woods, sit down, and berate myself for what I had just done.

"Relena? What's wrong? Why are you crying?"

Heero's concerned voice triggered a fresh round of tears, and I had to pull away to sink to the deck floor. I felt absolutely horrible, but at the same time, there was a lightness in my chest. I had put an end to something, and there would be no more decisions to be made on it.

With that in mind, I turned to look at Heero, who had sat down beside me.

"I broke up with Duo."

The shock was evident in Heero's eyes, and he narrowed his gaze to look at me frankly.

"And why did you do that?"

Well, in for a pound...

"I did it...I did it...because I wanna date you," I rushed out, turning my head so I wouldn't have to see him. After all, who would want to date a girl that had just broken up with their best friend? She had to be a horrible, mean person.

Heero stood suddenly, and I huddled against the side of the railing, not wanting to meet his gaze, but needing to know what was going to happen.

"Where are you going?"

"I need to think," was the only answer I received.

***********************

I called Marie and Catherine and told them each. The both sympathized with me, and tried to offer encouraging words of advice, but I couldn't stand it. I felt like I didn't deserve anything remotely close to comfort. Who was there to comfort Duo at this time? If he had no one, then neither should I.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two days after I broke up with Duo and told Heero, Heero showed up at my doorstep.

"Come outside?"

I nodded numbly, slipping sandals on to follow him to the edge of the woods. We seated ourselves on a rock, careful not to catch the others eye.

"I've been thinking. I do want to date you, but I don't want to lose Duo's friendship; I've known him for a long time."

I felt my heart sink. This was to let me down gently that he didn't want to risk it.

"I understand," I whispered, and started to stand. His grip on my wrist kept me from rising though, and I turned startled eyes to him.

His dark blue eyes were firm, his mouth set in a determined line as he regarded me. Finally he spoke, and I sank back down in relief.

"I'm willing to give it a try, though; I'll talk to Duo when he gets back."

I closed my eyes for a moment, thanking god that, for whatever reason he had decided to do this, that I wouldn't have to be the one to tell Duo.

I am weak.

*********************

My grandmother called the next day and provided me with an opportunity I couldn't refuse.

"Hi, sweetie! What are you up to?"

My grandmother's warm voice brought a smile to my face.

"Nothing much, gran, just trying to not be too bored," I lied.

"Well then, how would you like to come visit for a week? I know your father has to be up this way for a business meeting; we could meet you and bring you home with us, if you want."

I realized that I very much did want. My grandmother is so calming and soothing that I knew I needed to take this break. Besides, band camp didn't start for another two weeks - I would have plenty of time.

"I'd like that very much, gran."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And so, that was how I came to be leaving the day that Duo was supposed to be back. Heero simply looked at me oddly when I told him I was going to spend the week with my grandparents, but said nothing otherwise. I think he understood that I needed to get away to someplace where I wouldn't run into Duo.

I am a coward.

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