Why One Should Never Play Brittany Spears

By Melville's Best Friend

It had been a long day. It was one of those days where one comment could drive her off the edge, and into the abyss her friends called " politically incorrect mode". She started her day listening to a man who barely spoke her language; which is a tough thing to do since she knew 13. Actually, he spoke with such a thick accent, that the majority of the time, she couldn't understand a word that came out of his yokel mouth. The secretary didn't even know what his name was, so they called him Mr. Yo. ( when he wasn't around, that is)

" Ah theeeink thaht weih shood gouh an' ghet suhm mer nucl-lee-ahr wehpuhns, un' ghet rid uhf thum puple thut's trahin' ta' keel uhs." He said in, what made it worse, a singsong kind of way. The man was totally daft. In what was heard to be less than three seconds, Relena responded: "Wedon'thaveanyroominourorginizationtoestablishanykindofdealwithyourcounrty.Pleaseacceptourhumblestappologies,andalovelyfruitbasketfilledwithoranges.Thankyou,haveaniceday."

Next, she couldn't get the vending machine to give her a pack of Double Mint Gum. She wanted to double her pleasure-mint, and the stupid thing wouldn't give it to her. After she had completely destroyed it, she headed back to her office.

Where 4 X2 foot portrait of a naked man sat beside her desk. Along with the nudist came a note. Surprise: it was from Dorothy. To add to her pleasure, Quatre picked that moment to walk into her office. He took one look at the painting and fainted. After Quatre was tended to, Relena got the worst news of all. Duo had bought Brittany Spears the 67th's new CD, which featured the greatest new single: Don't Be Jealous 'Cause Mine Are Bigger. She had gone home with a heavy heart. She was now in her bathtub, trying to relax. The bodyguards, who also inhabited her huge mansion, were somewhere around the place, trying to stay away from" politically incorrect". Unfortunately for her, Duo was playing Brittany's  " boob song" for the 63 time. This was going to have to stop. If Heero or Wuffie didn't get to him, she would.

Surrounded by bubbles and slowly burning cinnamon-apple candles, Relena tried to block out the lyrics.

Just, don't be jealous, don't you dare

Cause I got more stuff in  my  underwear.

 Yes, mine are bigger, but don't you hate.

But, havin' big breasts is just plain GREAT!!!

She was going to kill him.

Duo was walking down the hall, right beside his room, which played the crap, singing along with it when he was hit. Score one for Relena. She pinned him down and starred into his eyes. Her left eye was twitching as she whispered through clenched teeth: " If you don't stop playing that song, I will make sure you will infertile for the rest of your life. And I don't think Hilde would appreciate a crippled man. So, if I hear that song one more time, you are dead. Do I make myself clear?"

Oh dear Father in heaven , he was scarred. " Yes. Of course. Yeah, I promise." She got off of him, and walked back into the bathtub.

Duo sat in the hallway wondering why his music was off. Then he saw it: shattered pieces of his CD by his trembling feet. He threw his head back and cried. Heero and Trowa, who had seen the whole thing, laughed their heads off. They both had scary laughs.. Heero looked like a crazed maniac who had just gotten out of prison, and Trowa looked like a girl. All of this was in the middle of the hallway when Wuffie came IN. He decided not to ask, and kept walking. He went in Relena's room. She wasn't in there. He guessed she was in the bathroom, so he went in. This was a big mistake. Relena screamed so loudly that any pregnant woman living within a three-mile radius's fetus burst. ( No one was pregnant within a three-mile radius.)  Wuffie blushed and closed the door. " I'd run if I were you", said Trowa. Sure enough, from the bathroom, departed a towel-covered Relena. Red faced, and screaming, she looked around for the culprit. She found him against the corner of her bedroom. Before she could get to him, however, Heero grabbed her by the waist and held on for dear life. The squirming woman didn't even notice. She just kept screaming.

" What the heck is wrong with you? Don't you KNOCK before you enter a bathroom? You are the stupidest person in the world. Duo looks like a rocket scientist compared to you!!!  If I ever hear you talking about the stupidity of women again, I'll"

For some unknown reason, she stopped. She just sat there, in Heero's arms, and starred.

"Wuffie, in the future, you will knock on my door. Okay?" He nodded.

"Good. Heero, will you let go of me please?" He obeyed. " Thank you. Now, gentlemen, I have had a really tough day, and I want to relax now. Please stay out of my way, so I can calm down. Okay?" Everyone nodded. " Super."

She had just gotten out of the bath when she heard it. That annoying, nasal voice.Duo had downloaded the song off the computer. It only took her 30 seconds to find him.

THE END

Disclaimer: I do not own them. I love them, but I don't own them. It's sad, but true. I do, however, own the lyrics to " Don't Be Jealous 'Cause Mine Are Bigger". And. Thank the Lord, I don't own anything of the Spears. So, input please, otherwise, I'll make up more funny lyrics about the topless dancing fool.