Goats and Sex

By Melville's Best Friend

"I saw the funniest shirt today" Dorothy said. The girls huddled around her in class as they listened. Relena and Hilde were used to Dorothy's bombastic ways, so they knew what she had seen was a little vulgar in some way or another. Hilde smirked, and Relena rested her hands on her chin. Dorothy continued.

"On the front, the shirt said, 'I wish I were Barbie', and on the back it said, 'the b---- has everything'. I laughed so hard I thought I was going to pee!" exclaimed Dorothy.

"Well, if you were Barbie, it wouldn't be all that fun. You may have everything, but there'd be a lot you'd miss out on." Hilde stated. By this time, Heero, Duo, and Quatre, who were sitting at the table behind them were all ears.

"What do you mean by that, Hilde?" asked Relena.

"I mean, that she ain't got no holes where she needs 'em." Replied Hilde. Duo stifled a laugh. Quatre turned a dark shade of red. Relena looked at Hilde in a questioning look, obviously not understanding.

"It means she can't have sex, Relena." Dorothy summarized.

"OhdearWellI actually have a question." The girls were all ears, as well as the boys.

"It's suppose to hurt a girl the first time, right?"

"Right." They said in unison.

"Well, what happens on the honeymoon?" Relena questioned.

"What do you mean?" asked Hilde.

"I mean, what if you've never doneit before, because you were waiting for your wedding night, and you expect so much just because of all you've heard aboutitand your honeymoon's ruined because ofit?'' she gasped.

"Well, I don't know. I've never done it before. Duo and I are waiting until we get married. Do you know what to tell her Dorothy?"

Dorothy smiled, aware that the boys had been listening. Although she knew how to answer, she figured she'd have fun. "Hey, Heero?" she shouted. In a flash, they guys were at the table. She was a little shocked at how quickly both Heero and Quatre had responded. Duo, on the other hand, was as predictable as a dog.

"We have a question, that I assume the Gundam pilots were taught. I'm sure you all know about the anatomy " At this time, Relena had turned completely red, and was trying to take the attention away from herself. Heero's eyes followed her every nervous movement. "Relena wants to ask you something." Hilde chimed in. All eyes turned towards Relena. She had to play it off

"Does it hurt the first time a female goat hasum.. goat intercourse?" she asked.

Duo was about to die of laughter, as were the girls. Dorothy almost peed in her pants. What shocked them all more was when Heero answered.

"It depends on the goat." He said. Hilde had to leave the table, and drag Duo out by his braid. He had laughed so hard, he's knocked himself out.  Relena looked at Heero with questioning eyes.

"Every goat is going to be different. But if the goat is worried about that, she should just stretch herself out before; to get ready for goat intercourse." Now it was Dorothy's turn to leave. By this time she'd peed.

"There are books the goat could get, too."

"What if the goat had been waiting all her life for "goat time", and so, she had all these glorious expectations, and she wanted to tell the boy goat how much he meant to her, but it all ended in a lot of pain for the girl goat?" she asked. Quatre had fainted a long time ago, and the rest of the crew was still gone.

"The first time the goat shouldn't expect fireworks," he reached for her hand, and placed her hands on her heart. "It will be magical to the mind, and especially to the heart" he said, and let her hand down. "The goat's not going to be , like 'wow! That was amazing! I can't believe thatwow! I mean, wow!' It won't be like that the first time, especially if both goats are inexperienced. The goat will leave with the bodily feeling of 'hmm, okay, I just did it. Alrighty.' Does that answer your question?" he asked.

"Yes." She said quietly, obviously embarrassed. "Sorry I brought it up." She stood up to leave the classroom, and go to her locker. (the teacher was asleep, so they were all skipping) "I'll see you later" she said, and left. He smiled to himself before he picked up his books, and followed after her.

The End

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or its characters. I do however own the fact that this story actually happened to me, and I thought it would be very funny if Relena and Heero were put in me and my teacher's positions. The conversation actually did start with Barbie, and did move on to sex, and my friends laughed their heads off when I asked my teacher, who's a girl, and is 5 years older than me, and I'll be attending school with her next year. So! Anyway, I thought I'd enlighten you all with my story. So, no exactly Christmassy, but, whatever. Have a Merry Christmas, and a happy New Year, you guys!!!!