"Hands"
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, I've never claimed to. The
show and its charactors all belong to Bandai and Sotsu Agency.
The song "Hands" belongs to Jewel as far as I know.
********************************
Relena Peacecraft-Darlian stepped into her quarters and leaned
against the closed door in relief. It had been a very trying day.
Each day seemed to get longer and more difficult than the last
as people lost sight of what they were all supposed to be striving
for and became embroiled in ther own petty coflicts and rivalries.
<And I get to come home every night to my empty quarters and
my mountain of paperwork. Sometimes I wonder just what the Hell
am I trying so hard for?> she thought resentfully. Didn't they
want peace? Didn't they want an end to all wars? Why did it seem
like she was the only one trying to maintain peace...and why did
it seem like she was failing sometimes. Why did they have to believe
in her so damn much?
<They treat me like I'm the only one who can hold this peace
together, like I'm the only one who can handle the world and all
of it's problems. They fret needlessly over the silliest stuff
and they never seem to see what's really wrong with depending
on only one person to uphold the peace of the world. Heavy is
the head that wears the crown as the old saying goes.>
"Miss Relena," called Ms. Belise, her secretary. "The
Council Meeting will be held in another ten minutes in meeting
room two. They have requested your presence. They said it was
important."
<My presence is not important,> she thought even as she
said "I'll be right there." <My presence is not important
because they only want me there to tell them the same comforting,
soothing, confident words that I've said a billion times before.>
"It's just another Council meeting," said her secretary.
"You know, say the usual stuff about world peace and continued
harmony...you could do it in your sleep."
"I have," she said dryly. Literally, one night she had
woken to hear herself actually saying one of her speeches in her
sleep.
<I feel like an old war-horse, trotted out at the parades for
all the children to point at,> she thought tiredly.
She was always tired. It never seemed to end.
<I swear if I hear one more condescending pat-her-on-the-head-and-everything-will-be-fine
word out of them I shall surely scream bloody murder!>
But she was too well bred to do any such thing. To diplomatic
to do anything but smile and insert a polite comment every now
and then. She had to be perfect, had to be everything they expected
of her...had to pretend she wasn't bone weary of everything.
She was beginning to loose her hope and her optimism. She had
been at this job for too long with too little rest to recover
from one day to the next.
<It doesn't matter how tired I am, people still believe they
need me. I can't let them down...maybe in time they will realize
what matters. But for now I cannot let myself break, I have to
stay strong. How do I do that when I myself feel like I'm drowning
in this?>
Relena looked in the mirror. Her eyes looked too tired, too dull.
They had lost the life and shine of youthful optimism that had
been there during and shortly after the wars. The face staring
back at her looked years older than it should, lines of worry
and strain creased her brow, she looked haunted.
<Why do they never seem to understand what I'm trying to say
to them?! It's fairly simple! We are all going to be fine if we
all move as one towards peace! That's not that hard to understand
is it?!>
For a breif second, anger and irritation flickered across her
face, only to be replaced by more weariness.
<It's almost time to go. Come on Relena, become strong again.
Time for the "Relena Peacecraft Detirmined Look." I
must be my own strength because no one else is going to do it
/for/ me.>
Relena straightened her spine, put her shoulders back, then she
straightened out her jacket and blouse, tucked a stray flyaway
back in place and looked again in the mirror. Still not enough.
She lifted her chin and regarded herself again in the looking
glass. There was something miss- oh, right. Relena smiled her
practiced dazzling smile...but it didn't reach her eyes anymore,
to her it just looked like the baring of teeth.
<It'll have to do. Things will get better Relena, you have
to believe that. Things will get better.>
With that she walked out of her quarters and dowm the hall to
her next meeting.
*****************
"Excuse me sir, you can't go in there."
Heero Yuy turned to regard the frumpy little secretary woman with
a glare. Who precisely was /she/ to tell him that he was not allowed
to enter Relena's quarters? Of /course/ he was allowed in there,
he was Heero Yuy. And even if it had been a little over a year
(okay, probably closer to two years) scince he had last seen her,
Heero Yuy went where Heero Yuy wanted to, and right now, he wanted
into those quarters.
"No one is allowed within the Deputy Foreighn Minister's
quarters with out proper authorization. If you persist in your
attemt, you shall be removed from the premises." The lady
told him, regarding him with a hard stare over her horn-rimmed
glasses. She sounded like she said the words fairly often.
Heero studied his opposition. She was small, dumpy and obviously
didn't work out much. She was no threat to him. However, if he
caused trouble with her he probably would not get in at all. So
it was time for a strategic retreat and a change of tactics.
"My mistake. I was just looking for the bathroom," he
said trying to sound like any other young man trying to cover
the fact that he'd been busted.
Heero walked back the way he had come and headed out for the ivy
trellis leading up to her second story balcony. It was childs
play, breaking into her quarters. There were no guards posted
outside when she was not there, there were no security cams on
the inside, and the lock to the balcony might as well have been
shoestring for all the difficulty it gave him in picking it.
<Mental note, tell someone to install better security inside
her room. It'd be too easy for any nut with an agenda to sneak
in here and plant unpleasant and probably deadly surprises for
her.>
Now that he was inside all that was left to do was wait until
she arrived. He looked around at her quarters. They were actually
a small suite of rooms, like a miniature house. There was a desk
piled high with neat stacks of papers to the right kitty-corner
to the balcony and a small computer console was located on the
wall behind it beside a vid-phone and an identi-print reader slot.
There was an open doorway leading to a bedroom suite. Said bedroom
held a long dresser below a mirror, an armoure, a nightstand,
a floorlamp beside the bed and a bed piled high with pillows and
soft comforters. There was another open door that he could see
in the bedroom that lead to a bathroom by the looks of it. Back
in the office directly across form the balcony was another door
that lead out into a living/informal recieving room. It had two
couched facing each other over a low glass coffee table, there
was a tiny kitchenette to one side and on on the opposite wall
was a little fireplace with a plush armchair, another lamp and
a small stand for books right beside it. Judging by the small
pile of half read books scattered around it, it was Relena's favorite
place for reading.
He shrugged and took a seat in the swiveling chair behind her
desk to await her return so that he could discuss the matter that
he had come to discuss with her.
*******************************
Relena kept up her calm, confident, cheerfully pacifistic mask
in place until she could reach the sanctuary of her quarters to
loose it. It simply would not do to show any sign of weakness
or weariness in front of anyone else, not now and not ever. She
had to be strong, they needed her to be strong. She couldn't really
do anything useful about the worlds problems right at the moment...but
she /could/ make sure they were not forgotten. That was important.
How tired she was and how she was beginning to lose hope and faith
that things would turn out okay was not as important. Priorities
first, always.
<When is the last time that I have had nothing to do? When
was the last time that I could just sit out on my balcony, breathe
the night air and think about nothing?> she thought to herself.
<I don't have time to do that now, either. I have that status
report from the Committee for the Regulation of Air and Water
Polutants to review for the monthly World Environmental Meeting
to review. And after that there has been a petition from the Island
of Nisselon, a protectorate of Brakir, to be granted Sovereighnty
and Recognition as an independant state...>
It was going to be another long night.
<Things will get- oh, screw it. I'm too tired to even /pretend/
to be optimistic right now.>
Relena entered her quarters and leaned back against the closed
door for support. Her legs were too weak to hold her up anymore
so she just let herself sink slowly to the floor. Her arms rested
on one knee and the rested her weary head on her arms, and let
out a tired sigh. It felt good to relax for a moment, now if only
she could find the strenth to get back up and go do what she knew
needed to be done.
She sat there for a moment in a tired stupor, unable to move a
single muscle. Then she felt the pull of her desk. Her own sense
of responsibility was calling her onward again and it was a call
she could never ignore.
With another small sigh Relena heaved herself to her feet and
answered the call. She had a lot still to do tonight. As always
her love of duty and her sense of honor drove her onward. But
tonight, it just didn't feel like enough.
<Oh, I feel like an idiot! I know what's wrong with me now!>
she thought as she stumbled tirely to her office in the back.
<No wonder I'm so damned depressed, I haven't had a break from
my daily routine in over ten months!>
She had read that an endlessly monotonous routine that involved
a lot of stress could lead to a psychological condition called
"burnout." Signs of burnout included severe fatigue,
low energy levels and feelings of hopelessness.
<Well the feelings of hopelessness are certainly there. I need
a good healthy dose of optimism!>
And she knew just the thing, it always worked to cheer her up
when she had gotten so low that even down looked up.
<I'll just take a few minutes to myself out on my balcony.
After all, I think I've more than earned it,> she said, to
appease her sense of duty. Relena had kept her singing to herself.
She absolutely /would not/ sing in front of others or even really
when there was any chance at all that someone might ever hear
her. For some strange reason, she hated to be overheard. She did
not want to share this part of her because it was so intensly
personal to her. In her own mind, someone overhearing her singing
would be as if they had walked in on her naked!
She was on her way out when she was stopped dead in her tracks
by the sight of someone sitting in her office chair. She recognized
him instantly, even if he hadn't been around her in such a very
long time. Heero.
She blinked. Still there. She blinked again. Yep, definately still
there. Oh, great...there went her singing for the night.
<Oh, great. Of all the rotten timing! Well, at least I wasn't
singing when he showed up.>
Fortunately for her, her mask had automatically sprung into place
at the first sign of another human being. It was now an ingrained
habit, the mask came spontaneously, of its own accord almost at
even a hint of another prescence. Relena didn't know whether she
should be releived by the fact or bothered by it.
She was too tired to really show any surprise by this unexpected
visit from someone she hadn't seen hide nor hair of in about two
years. What could he possibly want now?
"Hello. How'd you get in here?" she asked, her voice
betrayed only mild curiousity.
"Back door," was all he said. Relena nodded in acknowledgement.
"I see."
She studied him for a minute. He'd gotten taller, but then so
had she (a little). His hair was still a touseled mess, and his
face was as blank and devoid of expression as it ever was. But
he seemed to be studying her with a startling intensity. She wondered
absently what he saw.
They waited there, frozen in tableu, neither of them making any
moves or saying anything. Finally, Relena shrugged and went back
to her to retrieve her data crystal with her colllection of Jewel
songs on it. She would just have to listen to her music instead
of singing it.
She went back to her office and slipped a data-crystal into the
reader slot on her office wall.
"Selection?" quieried a dulcet voice from the machine.
"Track three," said Relena. Then she looked over at
Heero. He was sitting in her chair. She liked to sit in THAT chair
and listen to HER music. Hmmmm, but HE was sitting in her chair.
He would have to be moved so that she might listen to her music
while sitting in her chair.
"Pause," she called to her computer so that the music
would not commence before she could get her chair back. "Ummm,
I don't know if there's a way to phrase this diplomatically but...
You're sitting in my chair."
Heero looked at her, like, 'what?'
Relena nodded to say that yes indeed, she was serious. "You're
sitting in my chair and I want you to move so that I can listen
to my music and start in on my work."
Looking at her oddly, Heero humored her by rising from "her
chair" and gesturing grandly in a rather sarcastic "be
my guest" sweep of his hand.
Relena smiled and sat down.
"Thank you," she said simply. Then she leaned back in
her chair, put her feet up on the desk crossed at the ankles,
and shrugged out of her confining jacket.
"Play selection," she called. Her eyes closed as she
blocked out everything else.
The room was soon filled with the sound of a guitar and some other
instrument. The opening sequence sounded vaguely familiar, it
was an old song whatever it was.
~If I could tell the world just one thing
it would be that we're all okay.
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these.
I won't be made useless,
I won't be idle with despair,
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear...~
Heero watched as a small, subtle yet noticeable change came over
Relena. She almost seemed to visibly gather strength and courage
into a shroud about her, and radiate confidence from within.
~My hands are small I know,
But they're not yours, they are my own.
But they're not yours they are my own,
And I am never broken.~
She lost that tired look that he had seen in her eyes when she
walked in the room. The look that said her burden was too heavy
for her to bear and she was wearing down. Now as Heero looked
at her, she seemed to be okay. That so-familiar look of poise
and certainty that had always been so much a part of her, and
had even helped him find the courage to keep fighting, graced
her features once again. That was a releif.
~Poverty, stole your golden shoes,
But it didn't stral your laughter.
When heartache came to visit me,
But I knew it wasn't ever after.
We'll fight, not out of spite,
For someone must stand up for what's right
And where there's a man who has no vioce
There ours shall go singing.~
By this point a smile was begining to show around the corners
of her mouth.
~My hands are small I know,
But they're not yours, they are my own.
But they're not yours they are my own,
And I am never broken.~
The smile grew into a full fledged grin and Relena seemed to have
found whatrever it was she was looking for.
~In the end, only kindness matters.
In the end, only kindness matters.
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray.
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray.
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray.
My hands are small I know,
But they're not yours, they are my own.
But they're not yours they are my own,
And I am never broken.
We are never broken.~
The song then faded off with
~We are Gods eyes, Gods hands, Gods mind...~
After the song had finished Relena took her feet off from the
desk and swiveled to face him. All trace of exhaustion was gone
from her face and carriage. Her gaze was direct and her eyes clear
and unclouded, that look that almost seemed like it could see
straight into his soul. He was puzzled by the change.
Some of his puzzlement must have shown itself on her face for
she gave a small, almost rueful little smile and said
"You're wondering about the song... Well, as much as it may
come as a surprise to you, I'm but a frail human being and sometimes
even I need something to lift me up. Something to tell me that
it's going to be okay, that it's going to get better. And even
if it isn't true, I'll find the strength to keep going."
She smiled. "Even I, Relena Peacecraft, need a good healthy
dose of optimism every once in a while."