Disclaimer:  I like Heero and Relena but I didn't make them.

 
Wild Beat Madness

by Neesah

 
I ran and ran Amidst the dark

Past the hills

Across the fields

Without looking back

I ran and ran

Away from the din

Into the silence

Chasing the shadows
Beyond the twilight

Suddenly, I fell

I fell and fell

Into a hole

And it felt like
Being swallowed whole

When I reached the ground

I looked around

Afterwhich, I heard a sound

Like wings flapping

Whispering, calling...

 
As I stared ahead

I saw a silhouette

Coming towards me

It was then I realized

I saw my eternity

There's no point in ignoring it

No point in running away
Now, more than ever I know, I'm sure

I fell forever.

 
---Forever---

Her grip on him tightened as he thrusted faster, their sweat-covered bodies grinding against each other. She knew she was nearing her peak, so was he and when they did, she heard him whisper, "I love you," before burying his face against her shoulder.  His words were like a splash of cold water on her, causing her to open her eyes. With her body still under the onslaught of sensations she was experiencing for the first time, she answered automatically, "I love you too," not really meaning it but wanting to mean it at the same time. When their bodies stopped trembling, he lifted his head and smiled at her, giving her a chaste kiss on the lips. He then rolled over beside her and after gathering her in his arms, immediately fell asleep.

She stared at the ceiling of her room, her thoughts wandering to the events that night. They were drunk, they felt good and they had a good time --- three reasons why they ended up in bed together. Well, not exactly the only reasons. She had something in mind she had to confirm, a question she needed an answer to and this was the only way to get it.

She turned her head to regard her sleeping bedmate. She wasn't looking at him with passion, like a lover should especially just after sharing an intimate moment earlier, nor she was looking at him with anger or pain, but with a steady calm she always do when studying other people, when faced with something she needed to understand and resolve. She had settled disputes, prevented fights, and led the ESUN to peace with that honest but analytical and careful scrutiny of hers, which she used in every aspect of her life, even with regards to the matters of the heart. So, with everything that happened, what conclusion did she arrive to? That even after dating for two years, and even after possessing her body, he would never own her. She would remain her own self, she could not and would not lose herself to him. Which is good. It's the way it's supposed to be, she told herself with satisfaction, though she felt sad at the same time. She felt tired and sore all of a sudden, so she did the only thing she could. She closed her eyes, the sound of the pouring rain lulling her to sleep.

Outside, the skies continued its assault as the rain raged on.

The first thing she noticed when she woke up an hour after wasn't the absence of the warm body beside her but the fact that the rain had stopped. She then saw him standing a few feet away from her bed, almost done buttoning his shirt.

"You're leaving," she said, not a question but a statement.

His head snapped up upon hearing her voice, surprised to discover her awake. He looked at her solemnly, as if seeing through the blanket that covered her naked body. He then smiled, an act he didn't do that often, and that smile made him even handsomer, she grudgingly admitted. It was one of the qualities that attracted him to her. She had this unexplainable liking for those silent, brooding types, which could easily be seen with her dating pattern throughout the years. Maybe it was the mystery, or the challenge of getting into another person's head before fully understanding him. Or maybe it was as simple as... She hastily brushed the thought away.

"I have to. It wouldn't be proper for me to stay any longer." Then, in a teasing tone, he added, "Aside from that, I'll be dead if ever one of them caught me here with their precious charge," he said, teasingly.

She arched an eyebrow. "You don't have to worry about Pagan. He's a pacifist," she told him in an amused tone. The thought of kind-hearted and soft-spoken Pagan threatening and chasing him was very amusing indeed. As for the other...  "Can you hand me my robe so I could at least walk you to the door?" she asked, gesturing towards her closet where her robe was hanging.

He nodded, and in that silent, fluid way of his, did what was asked of him. He got the robe and gave it to her. He watched the blanket fall of, revealing her breasts, as she sat up and put on her robe. He offered his hand to help her stand up and together, they walked towards the door.

"See you tonight?" he asked, his voice gruff, as he leaned down.

"Not tonight. I'll be busy. Tomorrow," she told him.

His face was just millimeters away from hers. "Hmmm, tomorrow then." Their lips met and after a few seconds, he pulled away. He reached for the knob and opened the door. He was about to go out when he paused and looked back at her. "It wasn't just a dream, was it?" He raised one hand to touch her cheek. "You're here. I'm here. So, it did happen." He smiled again for the second time that night, though this time, his smile was more smug than earlier. "You're really mine now. At last." And with that he closed the door.

She remained standing there, staring at the closed door, his last words echoing in her head. But you're wrong. I'm not yours. You're mine. And the sad thing about it was that it was the truth. She owned him, not the other way around. Which was what to be expected, knowing her. She wouldn't let anyone dominate her --- in body or soul.

"Relena."

She had a sudden intake of breath as her heart jumped, but only partly in surprise. She knew in the back of her mind that there was a big chance of him being there, considering that he always had access to her room. They had similar meetings like this in the past, whether to tell her that he had to go away on a mission, to warn her of another potential threat to her or to the ESUN, to give her insights or information about something important or just plain checking in on her. Working for the Preventers kept him busy but she knew that he still managed to keep an eye out for her. They had become even closer friends over the years, the bond formed during the war 8 years ago proved to be strong and unbreakable. And the knowledge that they had each other whom they could always count on no matter what had kept them going during the tough times. But they were just that, friends, nothing more, nothing less. Well, that was what they kept telling themselves and the others. And they even act the part --- she, whenever she wasn't busy, had been dating since she was 18 and he, though not an avid believer in dating, had frequented the bars with his 4 friends (through the insistent persuasion of Duo) and being one of the last two in their group to be single (Trowa was the other one) he could get away with once or twice sleeping with a girl he didn't even remember the name, much more the face because of being blind drunk. But they were still some skeptics out there, people who knew them and got to know them through the years, who believed in their hearts that there was more to their relationship that meets the eye. Why, then, were they acting otherwise?

She whirled around, her eyes widening when she saw him. "Heero! You're soaked! Where have you been?"

He didn't answer. Nor did he need to. One look at him and she already knew. He had been out there all that time! He must have come that night wanting to talk to her and seeing that she was with someone, waited for her to be alone, waited under the rain. But why? she couldn't help wondering.

Heero asked himself the same question. He could have just come back when he discovered that she was with someone, that she was occupied. It wasn't like he didn't know that she went out that night, or that he didn't see the now familiar red car by the driveway. It just didn't cross his mind the possibility of catching them together... and he was about to open her balcony door when he did so. It was also the exact same moment when the rain started to pour. His reason told him that this would be his only chance to talk to her so he decided to stay. Or so he claimed.

"You should change or else you'll get a cold. I think I still have Wufei's shirt from when he lost that bet with Duo. Oh, and Quatre's jeans too..." she said as she started walking towards her closet. Her concern for him made her forget that he was the Perfect Soldier, which meant that it would take a lot more than a storm to make him sick.

"Don't bother. I'm leaving soon."

She stopped, tilting her head to one side. "When?"

He glanced momentarily at the clock. "In 30 minutes."

So that was why he was out there all night, she thought. Considering that his flight was that early and that he wasn't sure when she would finally be alone, waiting would be the most logical thing to do. Ever since that time when he went out to fight in Luxemburg, thereby breaking his promise to her about not leaving without saying goodbye, he now always made it a point to tell her whenever he was leaving.

"Let me just get you a towel then, so you can dry off." And before he could protest, she rushed to the bathroom. She was carrying a pink bath sheet when she returned, handing it to him. He accepted it and she watched him silently as he started drying his hair. He watched her watching him too, his eyes never leaving hers for a moment. It was a usual habit of his, just like his frequent visits to her room, and yet it still produced the exact same reaction from her, as if it was the first time. It starts with the sudden shortness of breath then a steady feeling of light and warmth, like feeling a bolt of lightning before enjoying a warm, sunny day.          

"I better go," he said, handing the towel back.

She nodded. "Be careful."

"You too." And with that, he turned around and walked away.

She watched him disappear by the curtains and with his departure, the feeling of light and warmth she was enjoying just now vanished as well. Clutching the towel in her hand, she strode towards the bathroom. She had this sudden urge to rub herself clean.    

**************************

If she had any doubts before, well, this night had it confirmed. She was a coward. Undisputedly, undeniably a full-blooded coward. Truth be told, no one in his right mind would have accused Relena Darlian Peacecraft of being a coward, though it was the best adjective she could come up with to describe herself. If she weren't a coward, why was she in her room, hiding, when she could be having fun with everybody downstairs?  The Mars Terraforming Project had finally been completed after 8 years of rigorous work and this night was dedicated in celebrating man's latest accomplishment. Mars was now a second Earth, suitable to be lived in, to raise families. As proof, two of the Project's pioneers, Milliardo Peacecraft and his wife Lucrezia together with their 1 yr old son, Bavin, had come to the Sanc Kingdom to celebrate with the whole ESUN. But that wasn't the sole purpose why Milliardo and Noin had come, just like it wasn't the only reason for the celebration that night and why all of ESUN was tuning in.

And that other reason was why Relena was hiding inside her room right now.

But to be fair, she hadn't been a complete coward the whole night. She spent a considerable length of time downstairs, talking, laughing, dancing--- just being her usual bright self. She thought that she had convinced herself of what she wanted, that having lived for 24 yrs in this world she would be both ready and brave enough to face her future, or rather, to take the first step towards her future. But at the last minute, her resolve faltered. Though she knew that her escape was only temporary, she still fled. She needed to be alone with her thoughts.

Which, she grudgingly admitted, was a huge mistake. Being alone with her thoughts was a very dangerous thing to do in her situation. Thinking would mean analysis, which would lead to realization, then to the truth, and honestly, she didn't want to examine herself that well.

But why would she be that scared of the truth? Nothing was true until one says or admits it to be true, right?

Her vision suddenly focused, noticing from the reflection on the mirror in front of her a flash of Prussian blue coming from a little to her left, near her balcony door. The shadows parted, forming into a figure of a tall, grim young man. There goes that feeling again --- like a sudden storm rising followed by absolute calmness. It was always like that. She smiled. It had been a month since she saw him here, since he last visited her inside her room. He was drenched to the bones then. A frown formed on her face as a thought suddenly occurred to her. Had she stayed hidden inside her room that long for everyone to get worried, causing them to send him to go and get her?

"They haven't noticed yet, seeing that they're all occupied and enjoying themselves," Heero told her, his arms crossed as he leaned against the wall.

The corners of her lips curled into an amused smile. He always seemed to know what was on her mind. "But you did notice. Which only means that you're not as occupied as them and that you're not enjoying yourself. Am I right?"

He shrugged. What was the use of telling her that he hated parties, that he couldn't stand crowds and that he wouldn't go unless ha had to when she already knew all these? "I thought that you're taking a long time to 'freshen up' so I decided to check if something's wrong. Unlike them, I know your habit of slipping away by yourself." Just as he finished his statement, the teasing smile on her lips disappeared, and was replaced by a serious and thoughtful look. He silently studied her. "Something's wrong," he confirmed.

Relena avoided his eyes. "What do you mean?"

He willed her to look at him with his eyes, and after a while she did. "There's something wrong or else you wouldn't be here all alone. So?"

She sighed. "Well, nothing's really wrong. But since you asked..." She stood up and went to sit on her bed, facing him. "It's Marric."

Heero's face darkened. He didn't have anything against the guy. Actually, of all of the men who dated Relena, he and the others agreed that Marric was the most decent one. But since that one night a month ago when he was about to go inside her room to tell her that he was leaving for an assignment in L1 and he heard them together... well, let's just say that the prospect of breaking Marric's bones was getting more appealing every second. And not only because Marric might have hurt Relena in some way, but also... Catching himself, he inwardly shrugged the matter away, just like he always did. It was unimportant and irrelevant in the present circumstance.

"He didn't do anything bad, Heero, I swear," she hastily added, seeing the look in his eyes. "It's just that earlier, you know, when we went to the garden to get some fresh air, he..." she trailed off, closing her eyes briefly before continuing, "...he asked me if I'll marry him."

His eyes bored into hers even more intensely than before. "Hn. I expected as much. So did the others. You've been dating for 2 years now, everybody's just waiting for you two to announce your engagement soon. It's even half the reason for this party.  You know that. What's wrong then?" He paused, and when he continued, his voice had a small lilt to it as he asked, "Don't you love him?"

Relena was taken aback by the question. "People marry for other reasons aside from love, you know. Like security. Or convenience. Sometimes because of an arrangement --- either family, business or political. Another reason is escape. Others marry because they feel obliged to, thinking that because it's a part of life and that because everybody is doing, they also have to. Sometimes, even for money. There are so many reasons that I couldn't possibly state them all---"

"I know," Heero cut her off. "But ideally, people marry for love. Especially women. And you're a woman. Don't tell me that you don't want to marry for love," he stated, his eyes almost challenging her.

Undaunted, she replied, "Of course not. That's the last thing I would do." Her eyes glinted, as she now returned his challenge. "What about you, Heero? Do you want to marry for love?"

He shrugged again. "I don't care for stuff like that. Besides, I don't know what love is or how to love so it makes no difference to me."

They were silent for a moment, staring at each other. Then, a few heartbeats later, they smiled. They both knew they were lying --- well, kind of. What you think is the truth and what your mind is screaming to be true were two different things. Reconciling one's conscious and unconscious thinking would always be hard especially for people like them, people who were too proud, too stubborn and in some ways, too scared to admit what they really wanted.

The smile disappeared from his face. "You still didn't answer my question, Relena."

Her expression became guarded when she asked, "Which question? What's wrong or whether I love him?"

"Both."

"Well, you should have said, 'You still didn't answer my questions' not question," she pointed out, buying for some time. She didn't really know how to answer him. She hadn't really thought about how she felt about Marric throughout the whole time they were dating. He loved her, and to her, that was all that should matter. Right?

Seeing her predicament, he decided to help her out. "Considering how you think about marriages, what you feel about him shouldn't have any effect on your decision to marry him." She stared blankly at him. "What I'm saying is that it wouldn't have mattered whether you love him or not if he loves you."  She could have sworn she saw something flicker in his eyes before he said, "And he does. He'll make a good husband."

A flash of anger, which she didn't know the source, crossed her face, but only for a moment. He was right, as usual. Marric came from a good family and he had a respectable position in the ESUN. They basically have the same background, the same political interests, which would lead them to the same path in the future. Aside from that, she had no doubts about Marric's love for her. He might be silent most of the times but she knew that he would do anything she asked him to do. Actually, he would do anything for her, period. He would make her happy. And the best part of it was that he would and could never dominate her. It didn't mean that she would be the one in control of their relationship, or that she had him at the palm of her hand. She would willingly do her duties to him, as she did for the past two years but it wouldn't entail her unconditional and absolute surrender. She could let him have her body, her time, her future, her respect, and in some sorts, her love but not her will, nor her soul. She would remain the master of herself, and he could claim otherwise but she would just nod and smile, all the while laughing inwardly because she knew it was impossible. He didn't have the power to dominate her.  And that was all she ever wanted in a husband and in a marriage. Or was it?

It is, she confirmed, though now that she thought about it, she was having a hard time convincing herself. Especially with Heero there, right in front of her. All of a sudden, an unbidden question came to her mind. Why was it that he, who hasn't possessed my body, has complete dominion over my soul? Shocked, she tried to cover it up by saying, "You're right, Heero. Thanks for helping me figure things out. Now, I'm ready to go back."

"Hn." He watched her go to her dresser table to brush her hair, similar thoughts echoing in his mind. Why was it that she, who was a pacifist, could inflict that kind of pain on him with just the simple thought of her getting married, or the thought of being with another man, then cause him to feel joy by just watching her walk? Why was it that with her, he always was in the verge of losing control? And he didn't want to lose control. He couldn't afford to. Why should he, just for the sake of someone, lose control anyways? Wanting to take his mind off that subject, he looked around her room. "There would certainly be a lot of changes that will happen after this night."

The hand, holding her brush, stopped midway her hair as she caught on what he was talking about. She was a few seconds away from getting engaged and maybe one to two years away from getting married, surely a lot of things would change. For instance, he couldn't just go visit her whenever he pleases, it would cause a lot trouble and scandal if ever he got caught inside her room, especially if it was Marric who would catch them. Not that they were planning on doing anything bad. It was just that, nobody knew that Heero sneaked in her room from time to time, and nobody knew how close they really were, or that he was the last defense against her enemies, except for their friends and a few select people whom they worked with, people who had the chance to really get to know them, comprising mainly of soldiers who now worked for the Preventers. And for the sake of her reputation and privacy, they wanted to keep it that way.

"I know," she answered, putting the brush down. "But it doesn't mean that anything should change between us. We'll always be friends."

Friends. The word echoed inside the room as if mocking them. She said it with good intentions, and in some level, she really meant it but it sounded so wrong, so phony.

"Yeah." He left his position by the wall and walked to her side. "Let's go," he said, offering her a hand.

She accepted his hand and stood up. Unfortunately, his nearness made her dizzy, almost making her lose balance. He steadied her with one hand, the other still holding on to her other hand. Their eyes locked once again, noticing that one was mirrored on the other. Both were blue, though different shades --- one the color of the bright sky, the other the color of a vast and endless sea. They were drowning in each other and usually one or both would turn their heads to look away. But this time, they didn't. It might be the thought that this would be their last chance, their only chance, to be this close to each other. Or maybe it was the pull of inevitability, of the thought that whatever they do this night wouldn't change anything because they already made their choice. Whatever the reason was, it was enough to break through the walls they built to protect themselves, causing him to lean down and her to close her eyes and wait for his lips to meet hers.

There was a bolt of lightning, a flash of thunder, a sudden shock of electricity. A tingling feeling started from one point, a core, then spread out, becoming a steady stream of warmth, and after a time, became so intense it felt like it would explode any minute. And it did explode, causing bright colors to dance in their eyelids. It was both exquisite and mind numbing. Scary too, once you got to think of it. This was how it felt to lose control, to have your will be overridden by another, to be dominated, to be possessed. Total and unconditional surrender, this was how it was. And they knew this was what would happen if they let themselves fall, that was why they did everything they could not to. Having been accustomed to power, neither one of them wants to be dominated. And that was being in love was all about, right? It was having another person own you, body and soul. And they didn't like to lose their mastery over themselves so they steered away from each other, contenting themselves with just being with people whom they knew wouldn't have the ability to conquer them.

But what they didn't count on was that though there was total and complete surrender in their part, there was also that feeling of possessing the other. She surrendered to him, but he also surrendered to her, so one didn't really lose one self. Instead, there was that feeling of wholeness. They didn't lose the mastery of themselves as they thought they would, and instead, gained a lot more than they could possibly achieve by just themselves. They understood it now. There was nothing wrong with surrendering, of relinquishing one's hold on oneself, for it was only then that you could truly soar. And it was also the only way you could possess the other person who relinquished his own hold on himself. But what would this newfound understanding and revelation lead to? Where should they go from here?

"No more running away..." he whispered as he slowly pulled away, his breath teasing her cheek.     

She opened her eyes, and watched him watching her. She couldn't believe that all this time, they had been running away from something they only half-understood, that they had been denying themselves something as magnificent as this. She wasn't only a coward but also a fool. They both were. "No more running away," she confirmed with a smile.

He smiled back, then began leaning down towards her again when they heard someone ask, "Relena, are you in there?" from outside her door. It was Marric.

They paused, their eyes still locked, as if silently communicating. He nodded then turned around. She watched him disappear by the curtains, just like many times before but this time, the warm feeling remained. And she knew that from now on, it would stay with her.

Taking a deep breath, she walked towards the door and opened it.

"There you are. I've been looking all over for you," Marric greeted, caressing her cheek.  "So, do you now have an answer to my proposal?"

"Yes, I do. Come in, Marric. We need to talk."

Her grip on him tightened as he thrusted faster, their sweat-covered bodies grinding against each other. She knew she was nearing her peak, so was he and when they did, she would have screamed if not for him covering her mouth with his. When their bodies stopped trembling, he lifted his head and smiled at her. "I love you," he whispered.

"I love you," she whispered back. And this time, she meant every single word of it.

He gave her one final kiss then rolled over beside her. After gathering her in his arms, he closed his eyes.

Usually, at this time of night, her mind would wander to the events earlier that day. But this night was an exception, though with all that had happened, thinking about them would keep her up until morning. Like how it came as a surprise to everyone that no engagement was announced during the party and instead, they discovered that she and Marric broke up. How did everyone know? Well, besides that 'little incident' in their table (Duo asked where her boyfriend was and when she answered that she didn't have a boyfriend any longer, everybody in their table reacted in a way that the surrounding tables heard what the commotion was all about) and the way they avoided each other after they came back from wherever it was they came from to the fact that Marric spent most of the night by the bar counter, it was pretty obvious. As for her, she remained with her friends in their table, occasionally going to the dance floor when someone asked her to dance. But what really surprised everyone was when she danced with a handsome young man, about her age, with intense eyes and wild hair, one that didn't seem to talk or smile much, a man that many of them knew nothing about, only that they always see him with her small circle of close friends. There was something about the way they look at each other that intrigued them. Those who knew them personally were intrigued as well. This was the first time those two let their guard down, the first time they openly acknowledged what they were really feeling to everyone. So, the mighty had fallen at last. Or as Duo put it, 'The mighty had fallen at last, hit their heads and finally came to their senses." But putting all jokes aside, they couldn't be any happier for those two.

Lying there, it didn't cross her mind to think about all this and instead, all that she wanted to do was catch a glimpse of his face. She propped her head on one elbow and seeing how peaceful he looked when sleeping, like a little boy, especially with his wild brown hair which always was in disarray, she couldn't help but smile. She reached out to brush his hair away from his face, her fingers lingering on his forehead, then his cheek. So, it really did happen. She was finally his, as he was finally hers. She was his now, both in body and in soul. It was sheer madness, really, but she didn't care. She now knew how good it felt to dominate and be dominated at the same time.

His eyelids fluttered open, sensing her touch. He looked surprised at first, as if seeing a dream but as reality dawned on him, his eyes burned fervently. Madness --- it was the perfect description to what he was feeling, to the way his heart was beating wildly. Pure, unadulterated and absolute madness. And yet, strange as it might sound, it felt logical at the same time. Nevertheless, if this were madness, he wouldn't want to be sane ever again. 

She leaned down, planting a kiss on his forehead, then his nose and finally, his lips. With that, she lied down again, snuggling closer to him. It was madness alright, he thought to himself as both of them closed their eyes, falling to a peaceful sleep.