To Ali-chan

Since you took a wee funny turn last night, I thought I'd write you a nice short little fanfic. It's my first Relena and Heero one, so please don't be too harsh on me. I don't know what you'd make of it, but here you go anyway. Enjoy, oh and also I hope you're feeling better!!

Kirsty-Chan >^_~< a.k.aYamcha's Big Pants (YBP)

Heero opened his eyes, heavy with sleep. His vision cleared and finally settled upon the purple satin high up above his head. The familiar settings began to take their baring. What had awakened him? The room was still dark he noted as he rolled on his side. The purple drapes of the canopy above his queen sized bed, blocked his line of vision to the door. Instead he sat up.

He could have sworn he'd heard something. He really didn't care, so long as he no longer had to dream of...of those people again. Heero ran a hand over his face wiping away the sweat and sighed. His lithe muscular form lowered itself back onto the feather-down mattress. He shifted uncomfortably in the middle of luxury.

He hated more than anything, himself now. He hated the weak and selfish piece of filth he'd become. Three years ago during the wars, he hadn't had time to think of himself or even his place in the world. He knew he was going to die; there was no question of it. The only variation would be at what time and in which battle. Life had been far simpler for him then. He would do what he could, limping from one battlefield to another, sharing with no one, caring for no one. Licking his wounds in the moonlight. He'd never had what was called a "life", in the first place. He'd resolved that since he had nothing to lose, his "existence" might not have been as futile as it would otherwise have been. He at could at least fight for the happiness of others.

Only once before had he been tempted to think of his own future and be ambitious and careful for himself. During the Eve wars and his confrontation with Wufei, Heero had learned some valuable life lessons.  At the time, he had thought that the Chinese pilot was blinded by ignorance and self-pity. That he was putting himself before the needs of the universe. Perhaps he had been wrong. Wufei had spoken of continuous fighting, of immortal soldiers. The soldier that lived in every person, and in some, could not be repressed. Heero had detested such selfishness from such a honourable man. Putting his own greedy inner notions above the safety and peace of the Earth and colonies. But after time had passed, Heero began to understand how little about human beings he actually understood.

Through Relena's tutelage, Heero had started to accept his own meaning and importance in the world: his reason for living. He finally realised that Wufei's actions were not based upon an over rated view of one's self, but from the same emotions he, Heero, had repressed for so long. He had once told Trowa to follow his own emotions, because he knew that the emotions of good people changed the world, but what he didn't realise was that the emotions of every living creature changed the world. Including him. And including his emotions towards Relena Peacecraft.

He'd been working as her bodyguard for the past two years, since he was sixteen. Relena's administration had demanded that she address an adult for the post, but she had absolutely refused. A Gundam pilot would be more than capable of protecting her. Though immune to his own, Heero was peculiarly sensitive to the feelings of others. He knew Relena had assigned him to the post for more than his dedication and infallible attention. He couldn't understand why or for what purpose. But in all that time, he had found that she had become his only objective in life. His only reason and mission. To make sure that Relena Dorlain Peacecraft had the happiness, comfort and security she deserved.

There was the sound again. A sort of whimpering sound, like a sob. Waswas Relena crying? Heero strained his ear to pick up any disturbances to the blanket of silence. There it was again. Soft and quiet but definitely there. Relena was crying. What had she to cry about? Perhaps she'd hurt herself? Heero stood up and reached out for the jeans he'd left lying on the floor when he'd stripped for bed. He was going to get to the bottom of this.

Crossing the darkened room, Heero reached for his gun on the small chest of drawers. Once he had it securely in palm, he left his room silently and headed down the long, richly carpeted hallway to a large white door. Relena's room. Pressing an ear to the wooden panel, he heard soft feminine whimpering. Slowly and carefully, he turned the unlocked handle and opened the door slightly. A stream of moonlight flooded into the large ornately decorated room, casting long shadows across the floor and an eerily ghostly shine upon the satin covers of the huge four-poster bed. Apart from the furniture, there was nothing else in the room. His eyes wandered helplessly back to the bed. Heero couldn't pretend he'd never shared some intimate moments with Relena. For instance helping her with zips on dresses or holding towels out for her to wear. However he'd never touched her before, unless it had been in the line of duty and he scarcely made any unnecessary eye contact. He'd been very careful in these areas. But now with her slim, silk clad form lying on its side in the moonlight, he felt himself dragged towards her.

In an instant he found himself at the side of her bed, with her back to him. Her long blonde tresses were splayed out on the huge pillow behind her as her shoulder wracked with sobs. He didn't want to scare her by suddenly announcing his presence so he decided to reach out and touch her. His hand shook but he couldn't understand why. Her creamy shoulder was only inches from his large, calloused hand. With a gentle stroke he touched her. Her skin felt like milk beneath his fingers. He felt like a servant parading around in his master's clothes, trying his hardest to pretend they were his own. Like now, he fought against imaginings of her smiling at his touch and touching him with the same compassion she observed him with. What he wouldn't give just to climb in beside her and feel his arms around her small and delicate form. But it was impossible and the yearning was driving him to distraction.

Through all this Relena hadn't moved. She was asleep, she was actually crying in her slumber. Heero hand began a hopeless life of its own, tracing an almost transparent line down her arm and back up to her neck. What he wouldn't do just to place his lips on it once. Just once. These new emotions had been playing around inside him for months, no, for years and now he had the chance, he couldn't face doing anything. It made him sick to think that Relena would lower herself as much as to grace him anything more than a sad look of understanding, never mind full blown surrender. Shaking slightly, Heero summoned enough willpower to fight himself and retreat from the tantalising angel before him. He was too tainted to ever look at her in the same way again without wanting to be sick at himself. Taking one last look at her smooth, attractively sloping form covered with the exquisitely beautiful silk slip, he gulped. His composure and mask was slipping, soon to fall.

Suddenly a hand reached out and took his wrist. Surprised, Heero looked around into the darkness, to find Relena staring at him, her eyes as round as large blue orbs. They danced with insecurity, pain but also relief.

"Heero? Where are you going?"

Heero's throat tightened and wouldn't let him form words, he simply turned his head away and weakly wrenched his wrist from her grasp, leaving behind an icy bracelet where her warm palm had been. He had to go. He couldn't and wouldn't stay there a moment longer. The knowledge of wanting her and seeing her everyday but never having her was too much for him to cope with. The overload of emotion he was feeling was enough to short-circuit him. But she beat him to it and had hopped round to the door before he could reach it.

"Heero? Where are you going?" Her tone became more persistent, and the streaks where the tears had coursed were clearly visible. Heero's heart was pounding in his bare chest. A burning lump was making its way toward his head and his feet, bolting them to the floor. Unable to process an answer or action, Heero's eyes wandered aimlessly around Relena's form. He didn't know where to look, what to say, what to do and he was becoming increasingly aware of the steam rising to greet his cheeks. His eyes were beginning to itch and soon, didn't recognise anything they saw.

Relena must have taken pity on him because the next ting he knew, she was stepping towards him. Something inside began to accelerate and panic rose from somewhere in the back of his head.

"Heero, where are you going?" Her voice was not seductive in any way, just soft and compassionate, yearning as usual for a way to help. It was too much for him, her proximity and her undivided attention. He felt himself somewhere distantly reach out and grabbing her shoulders.

"For God's sake Relena, just let me go!" he cried hauling her to the side before making a hurried exit from the room. The world was a blur. All the walls of ice that had built up had been thawing out gradually and now they were collapsing under their own weight. Suddenly Heero was aware that he was crying. Tears were cascading down his cheeks. His eyelashes were soaking in a barrage of salty drops. A lifetimes worth of sorrow filtered out through his tightly shut eyes. All the times he should have cried when he hurt himself as a child, all the deaths he suffered through, all the people he had killed, all the pain he'd endured ran out with every wail of sadness he was helpless to stop.

He fell to his knees halfway down the corridor, leaning heavily against the wall as he shrank down against it. Every ounce of strength his sinewy muscles betrayed was zapped from him. Gulping breaths between sobs and wails, he simply shrank there, his limbs useless and limp. He didn't want to face this uncontrollable barrage of hurt. The dam had burst its confines. It's true that no human can live without a heart or soul. Though those among us seem to live through life without conscience, we each have strengths and weaknesses of heart, which we cannot escape or cover up no matter how we try.

Writhing and wallowing in his pit of pain, Heero was suddenly aware of a figure standing over him, but he didn't care. He didn't care what she thought of him. If she fired him he would move on and try to deal with his pain until a suitable death came along and relieved him. Perhaps all along, he'd been the same as Wufei. He'd wanted his death since he'd begun piloting his Gundams; he'd been out to end his life. That was his ambition, his selfish want and need, he wanted to end his own suffering, not that of the universe. Aware that she hadn't moved, Heero's cries had died and now he sat feeling that anything alive inside him had withered and died. Her soft palm titled his chin upwards. Though his eyes were clenched shut, he knew the expression that her face wore.

She was kneeling beside him now. She didn't attempt to speak. She didn't try to console him, but just knelt. Now breathing was becoming a chore for him. His body was sore from the wracking he'd received from his emotions. Slowly but surely he was reverting to his foetal position. She had to act now, before he drowned in his grief.

"HeeroStay with me" She asked quietly, tilting his face towards her. The bottom of his lips was trembling violently, breaking her heart. "You've been so hurt all your lifeI just want to help youplease" She slowly pulled him towards her and he let himself be held against he chest.

His face was buried into the sweet vanilla scent of her shoulder, as his body sat hunched in front of hers. Her hands calmly stroked his hot, sweat laced back with the tenderness of a mother, cooing gentle reassurances into his shoulder and neck. Her fingers tangled themselves into his thick oak hair. It smelled of pine, strong and impenetrable unlike the man who whimpered into her neck.  She continued to softly whisper tenderly into his neck, lightly kissing him at intervals, soothing the cracks in his personality. He suddenly tensed and drew himself backwards slightly, enough for her to see his face. His eyes were almost covered by his thick mass of hair, but their deep Prussian blue could be seen. His face was poker straight as his eyes lingered on her lips as his own parted in anticipation. Heero's chest was rising and falling with great difficulty and his breath was stirring the small fine hairs on her face, causing a primal shudder to run through her. He leant off the wall and against her small pink mouth, desperately yearning for her closeness and affinity. Relena encircled his broad shoulders as best she could as she began to heal his deep wounds. His mouth moved with such harshness, Relena found herself almost wincing with pity at the state in which he had reached. She let him pull her close to him, crushing her against his firm chest. He finally gave her a chance to breath but still held her preciously close.

"Relena why did you cry?" he panted low and breathless still with remainders of tears on his voice.

Relena held onto him around his neck as she sat perched in his lap on the floor. Pulling his face close to hers in the dim light, she whispered against his skin "Because I'm lonely Heero andI don't want you to be lonely anymore"

This was all he needed to hear. Though he knew a pauper would never be worthy of a princess, he knew that what he felt for Relena passed everything, it passed anything he'd ever encountered before and was ever likely to. It was his ambition and reason. He wanted to die, but only for her.

By Yamcha's Big Pants (YBP)