Jerry Springer Gundam Wing Style

Authors note: This is the result of watching one to many Jerry Springer shows while reading Gundam Wing fan-fictions.

A wild cheer is heard as Jerry Springer comes out. Followed by the chant of 'Jerry, Jerry, Jerry'

Jerry Springer: Welcome ladies and gentle men! We have today 'Gundam Pilot's Love Affairs'! Our first guest says that he is madly in love with a very special lady but hasn't the heart to tell her.

Awwwis heard from the audience.

Jerry Springer: Yes, well lets bring him out. Say hello to Heero Yuy.

A very annoyed Heero is seen walking on stage to a bombardment of clapping. He vows secretly never to play truth or dare again.

Jerry Springer: Welcome Heero, now let me get this right, you have a crush on a Miss Relena Peacecraft.

Heero Yuy: Hn

Jerry Springer: Well then she's has been listening back stage so now she knows.

Heero Yuy: But I never even said 'yes'!

Heero's statement is not heard because Relena walks on stage timidly waving. A loud jeer is heard and everyone laughs and claps. Relena takes a seat timidly by Heero. She looks up at him nervously.

Relena Peacecraft: UmmmHeero I, I have been seeing some one else. I thought you hated me.

Heero looked like he had swallowed a bullet. His eyes grew cold and icy and he reached for his gun.

Relena Peacecraft: It was just a little crush I don't even like him. I just thought I needed to move on but Heero I love YOU.

Heero Yuy: I'm sorry Relena I should've told you sooner.

Jerry Springer: So let me get this straight you two are back together.

Relena Peacecraft: Yes, but I don't know how to tell Dan.

Jerry Springer: Well he knows now he's been watching back stage. Lets bring him out.

  Out walks a tall white-blonde haired boy with blazing green eyes. He looked ready to shoot some one himself. He stomped over towards Relena, but when he starts shouting three men in black hold him and Heero apart.

Dan: How could you do this to me? What am I to you just some left over?!

Relena Peacecraft: I'm sorry Dan but I love Heero!

Dan: I can't believe this I loved you.

A mixture of 'Aww' and 'How pathetic' is heard from the audience.

Relena Peacecraft: I'm so sorry Dan, but I am going home with him.

Dan: Ohh no your not!

Dan grabs the currently standing Relena's hand aggressively. Heero was up with a gun at Dan's head before you could blink. The audience screams at the sight of the gun and Jerry Springer pulls Steve in front of him as a human shield. After Dan backs up and apologizes a zillion times Heero puts away the gun and resumes his seat. Jerry Springer resumes his place also and announces the commercial break.

Jerry Springer: We're back now with our next couple. Duo Maxwell is here to tell his girlfriend Sally that he really loves some one else. Lets bring him out.

Duo is met with a lot of 'Boo's and looks dismally at the ground.

Jerry Springer: So Duo why are you here today?

Duo Maxwell: Ummmbecause I lost a bet.

The producer guys edit that part out.

Duo Maxwell: Ok, it's because I love Hilde but I'm dating this girl named Sally Po. I just don't know how to tell her.

Jerry Springer: Well she knows now, lets bring out Sally Po.

Sally walks on stage with tears in her eyes and goes up to Duo and huggs him whole heartedly.

Sally Po: Well Duo I have something to tell you, I have been cheating on you too. I like Wufei.

Duo Maxwell: Ummwell I wasn't expecting that one.

Some audience members are snoring and others are making rude gestures. The mummer of 'Where are all the insane trailer trash people' was heard throughout the place. All the sudden Wufei comes out in a straight jacket and all of the complaints stop.

Wufei: Arghhhhhh!!! Women, you are insane! You can't love me, because I love you!

Sally Po: Ohh wuffy!

Jerry Springer: So your telling us that you don't care that Duo likes some one else?

Sally Po: That's right, I love Wufei. Even if he is insane.

Wufei: *growls* I am NOT insane I just am on assignment.

Duo Maxwell: *smugly comferting* It's ok we know that Wufei. Your only insane on days that end with 'y'.

Wufei: Take that back you weak Onna or I'll chop off your balls!

The audience picks up the chant of 'Chop off his balls' and Wufei makes an attempt to break out of his straight jacket more then eager to meet the audience's suggestion.

Duo Maxwell: *sweat drop*

Jerry Springer: We'll be back after this.

Jerry Springer: Welcome back! Lets bring out Duo's crush, Hilde.

The chant stops as Hilde enters and a new chant goes up 'Space age babe!'. Hilde looks less then pleased and sits down stiffly on the chair, she didn't seem to like the audience much at all. Damn that stupid truth or dare game she thought.

Hilde: *looking at Sally* About time you realized you liked Wufei and got off Duo. You knew I liked him!

The audience cheers at the first person to start a fight with out using a gun. 'Go Hilde' they shout.

Jerry Springer: So Hilde you're saying you like Duo?

Hilde: Yes.

Duo Maxwell: Wow! I like you too babe!

Hilde: *rolls eyes* Duo I KNOW I was watching back stage.

Duo Maxwell: Ohh, right. I forgot.

Sally flicks Hilde off behind her back, and Jerry annouces a break. Heero picks his nose just as the camera goes back on air. Duo realizes this and is glad he taped the show. 'Blackmail is sweet' he thinks.

Jerry Springer: Our next couple is about a pilot who says 'I need some one in my life but my sisters won't butt out of my business' Meet Quatro Winner.

  Quatro comes out waving timidly, and running his hands through his hair he sits down. Never again will I play truth or Dare, he thinks suddenly nervous at the sight of cameras.

Jerry Springer: So tell me, what exactly is going on?

Quatro Winner: Well I have a lot of sisters and they never let me date who I want. I think I need to be free from them.

Sister: *walking on the set anger brimming* Quatro!!!! What are you doing here? We let you date all the time!

Quatro Winner: No you only let me date girls that are your friends! AND you always make me wear pink! I'm here to tell you I like a girl and you don't even know her! Hah!

Jerry Springer: Now that we have that in the open lets bring this girl out. Meet Jamie.

A tall woman wearing dark sun glasses and a tube top with a minie skirt walks in and takes a seat by Quatro. Quatro smiles and frenches the girl.

Jerry Springer: Well what do you have to say about this Quatro's Sister?

Sister: wellwellQuatro certainly has, picked a, interesting girl

Jamie: Well, me and my babe are tight, like real tight and I love him and all. But the thing is I got to tell ya' some thing. Quatro I'm not your girl friend, you keep tellin' everyone I am but the thing is I'm dating Trowa.

Quatro Winner: WHAT???

Jamie: Sorry babe, I like Trowa tons. Silent, dark, mysterious. But check this honey I know some one who is itching to say that she's got her heart set on you.

Quatro Winner: Ummmwho is it?!?

Jerry Springer: Well she happens to be on the show today. Dorothy come on out!

Dorothy comes out and frowns at the audience. She goes right over to Quatro and sits on his left. Quatro visibly sweat drops. He is still really nervous around Dorothy.

Dorothy: Hiya Quatro. *grins evilly*

Quatro Winner: Hi Dorothy.

Sister: That's it I hope your happy Quatro, now you see first hand why us women are trouble.

Jerry Springer: So let me get this straight, Jamie your not attracted to Quatro any more right?

Jamie: Right. I'm going after Trowa.

Jerry Springer: Dorothy you like Quatro right?

Dorothy: Right.

Jerry Springer: So then Quatro where do you stand?

Quatro Winner: I kinda like Dorothy too, so I guess we'll see how that goes.

Jerry Springer: We'll bring Trowa Barton out after these messages.

Audience begins the chant of 'Jerry, Jerry, Jerry' as the show goes back into commercial. The Gundam pilots visibly relax until the cameras go back on air.

Jerry Springer: Welcome back, in case your just joining us the topic today is 'Gundam Pilot's Love Affairs'. Lets bring out Trowa Barton now.

Trowa walks in a blank stare on his face, but his twitching hands suggest nervousness. Jamie watches his every move smiling.

Jerry Springer: Well Trowa you were watching back stage what are your thoughts about this?

Trowa Barton: Well I do sort of like Jamie. So I guess

Jamie: Oh, doll face I knew you'd come to your senses.

Trowas face turns light pink, while the audience picks up the chant 'Kiss her!' over and over. Jamie walks over and frenches Trowa right in front. Trowa's face turns 5 shades of pink before he regains his composer. Duo cheers and Heero leans over to get a better looks as Dorothy does the same thing to Quatro. Before you know it everyone is making out except poor Dan who doesn't have any one. They probably would've gone further if Jerry Springer hadn't cut for commercial and broke them up.

Jerry Springer: We're back with questions from the audience.

Male Audience Member: Hey baby can I have your number, you can forget the phyco, I'll show you a GOOD TIME.

Relena Peacecraft: *realizes that was directed at her* Get a life!

Heero Yuy: Hey want to go at it?

Male Audience Member: *looks at Heero* On second thought never mind.

Jerry Springer: Yes what do you have to say?

Female Audience Member: OK Sally girl you need to get away from phyco man. I mean look at him he's ugly and crazy.

  Audience members cheer their agreement. Duo scribbles notes on this underlining the insults.

Wufei: Shut up WOMAN!

Different Female Audience Member: What's wrong with being a woman?!?

Wufei: Everything.

Sally smacks him upside the head. As the audience 'boo's at Wufei.

Jerry Springer: Yes?

Male Audience Member: Hey dude how do you get your bangs like that?

Trowa Barton: None of your business.

Female Audience Member: I just want to know if I can give Steve a kiss.

The Audience Member goes on stage and gives Steve a kiss on the cheek. The audience cheers her on. Jerry announces that its time for a commercial break and Wufei begins an argument with a female audience member and she ends up slapping him and calling him a pig before the commercial break ends.

Jerry Springer: Welcome back. I am now going to share my final thought.

Jerry said a lot of unmeaningful crap that sent Duo to snoring. Heero who was more tactful slept with his eyes open. Relena was used to such things put on her interested face but was screaming in side.

    MEANWHILE

Milliardo jumped up suddenly and began to lock the doors and windows. Noin looked up slightly concerned.

"What ARE you doing?" she asked watching her husband running around.

"Locking all the doors and windows so that when they get here it'll delay them." Milliardo said glancing around nervously looking eyes with the T.V. screen.

"You're worried they'll kill you for daring them all to go on Jerry Springer." Noin said smiling, "I warned you!"

"Yes well it was worth it." Milliardo said finally sitting down on the sofa.

"Well the fact that you got them drunk before hand didn't help." Noin pointed out smugly.

"Your right I better call the ambulence." Milliardo said.

"Maybe Relena will help," Noin said hopefully.

"No, I let Duo drug her to get her on the show because she refused to go."

    BANG BANG

"It's them" Noin said peering out the window, "And Heero looks as if he's sizing up the door. He'll probaly get it down in a minute." Just then the door banged down.

"Noin if we kill him will you miss him much?" Duo asked eyeing Millairdo evilly.

"No, I'll just live off his insurance." Noin said.

"Noin!" Millairdo yelled. "Yes?" she asked innocently.

"If we roast him it'll be slow and painfull. Sort of like waking up after being given sleeping drugs."  Relena said looking at Milliardo.

"Please spare me!" Milliardo begged. Heero drew a gun while giving Milliardo a evil smile. Milliardo almost peed his pance. Duo burst out laughing when Heero pulled the trigger revealing a little flag that said 'Sucker'. Wufei smiled at this too while removing his straight jacket. While Trowa pulled Jamie close to him frenching her. Dorothy did the same to Quatro. While Heero pecked Relena on the check, taking careful notice that Milliardo was watching him carefully. Relena how ever pulled Heero into a deep kiss causing Milliardo's brow to arch, but afterwards he turned to Noin and kissed her not wanting her to feel left out. Sally Po kissed Wufei ignoring his comments of 'Women!! Of all the dishonorable things you've done this is the worst!'

The End

Authors Note: I hope you liked it. Throw me some comments at traciesmail@earthlink.net.